Cody Boone Ferguson
5455784566
The truly complete part is a reference to commit
ad622a5354. This also means that prog.c
need never be updated again, which was the entire point of that commit
that fell just short of the mark.
Fixed links in obfuscation.html.
Added litmus test to explain how I actually tested the program with all
the jumps.
Fixed typo in data file that I discovered during the above litmus test.
Fixed other files as well.
The .entry.json had a minor mod too, to better reflect what a file
actually is.
Rebuilt obfuscation.html and index.html.
Added target to Makefile which was also used during testing (this might
be explained in the obfuscation.html).
1571 lines
82 KiB
Plaintext
1571 lines
82 KiB
Plaintext
This program simulates a trip over the Oregon Trail from Independence, Missouri
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to Oregon City. Your extended family will attempt the 2170 mile Oregon Trail in
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5-6 months. You had $6666 for the trip but after foolishly wasting thousands on
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a sinful night yesterday and paying $200 for a wagon train, you only have an
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ominous $1666. You may buy the following items, or not, if you trust the Devil
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to be faithful to your pact:
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Food - the more you have, the less chance you'll starve to
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death, which would serve you right.
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Ammunition - $1 only buys 5 bullets due to recent hoarding.
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You will need lots of bullets for self defence
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and for hunting food, assuming you don't miss.
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Clothing - this is especially important for the cold weather
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you will encounter when crossing the mountains, if you
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get there.
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Oxen - the more you spend the better off you'll be, assuming
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they don't die. Or you don't sacrifice them.
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Miscellaneous supplies - this includes medicine and other
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things you'll need.
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You can spend all your money before you start your trip or you can save some of
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your cash to spend at forts along the way when you run low on supplies.
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Alternatively, you might wish to spend it all as you'll probably just find
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money along the way. You can also go hunting along the way to get more food,
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assuming you're not such a lousy shot as to be unable to hit a helpless animal
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from a cowardly distance.
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At each turn, all items are shown in dollar amounts except bullets. When asked
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to enter money amounts, don't use a $.
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Good luck, because the Devil's not going to help out!!! Or...will he?
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%u %ld
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🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
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🪦 / \ 🪦
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🪦 / A \ 🪦
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🪦 |TORMENTED| 🪦
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🪦 | MONSTER | 🪦
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🪦 | R.I.P. | 🪦
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🪦 |_________| 🪦
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🪦 GAME OVER 🪦
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🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
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🔥 Unfortunately, due to what can only be an ADMINISTRATIVE FOUL-UP, 🔥
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🔥 you end up somewhere you did not expect as your forever home. But 🔥
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🔥 honestly, after signing the Devil's book, DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE 🔥
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🔥 YOU DON'T BELONG HERE? Be honest. For once. You know you belong 🔥
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🔥 here. Oh, by the way, god asked me to wish you a PROSPEROUS LIFE 🔥
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🔥 ahead... 🔥
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🔥 😈😈😈 WELCOME TO HELL!! 😈😈😈 🔥
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🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
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🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈 🪰
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🍝Not again. Are you REALLY going to tell me about the Flying Spaghetti 🍝
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😈Monster AGAIN? I've had ENOUGH of your FAIRY-TALE DELUSIONS! YOU'VE 😈
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🪰TOLD ME HE IS INVISIBLE SO HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU EVEN KNOW HE 🪰
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🍝EXISTS? 🍝
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😈 😈
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🪰What next, are you going to tell me that between Earth and Mars there 🪰
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🍝is a china teapot revolving about the Sun in an elliptical orbit? Let 🍝
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😈me guess! It's so small that even the James Webb telescope that was 😈
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🪰launched almost 200 years from now can't even see it, right? What a 🪰
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🍝load of ABSOLUTE RUBBISH! If your daughters were not here I WOULD 🍝
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😈TOTALLY BE ABUSING LALOCHEZIA AT YOU RIGHT NOW! BUGGER ME THAT THEY 😈
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🪰ARE! 🪰
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🍝 🍝
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😈If the Flying Spaghetti Monster ACTUALLY existed, he'd eat you for 😈
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🪰lunch for blasphemy. Hell, keep this up and I'LL eat you. I'M STARVING!🪰
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🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰 🍝
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How much do you want to spend on food?
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How much do you want to spend on ammunition?
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How much do you want to spend on clothing?
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How much do you want to spend on oxen?
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How much do you want to spend on miscellaneous supplies?
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Food: %4ld Ammo: %4ld Clothing: %4ld
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Oxen: %4ld Supplies: %4ld Money: %4ld
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Health: %4ld Miles: %4ld
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After all your purchases, you now have $%ld left...
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Seriously, YOU WASTED YOUR MONEY LIKE THAT?
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💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈
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😈 Mild illness. Medicine used. Not sure why though. IT WAS ONLY A 💊
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💊 SNIFFLE. Probably just the Devil TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM YOUR CURSED 😈
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😈 NOSTRILS. In the future THEY BLESS PEOPLE FOR SNEEZING. You can 💊
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💊 die happy knowing you started a thing. Even if your death will 😈
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😈 bring you EVERLASTING TORMENT. 💊
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💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈
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Value must be a positive number no larger than 666. Or 0. If you trust the
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Devil.
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🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂
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❌You have run out of oxen and must walk. Better buy more... IF YOU DIDN'T ❌
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💋WASTE MORE MONEY ON MORE SINFUL NIGHTS, like your red-headed daughters told 💋
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🐂me last night, assuming they weren't LYING to me. 🐂
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❌ ❌
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💋AND YES. A dirty mind IS a TERRIBLE thing to waste BUT NOTHING HAPPENED 💋
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🐂BETWEEN US!! We're JUST FRIENDS and they've been telling me ALL ABOUT YOUR 🐂
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❌RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOUR. OK, it MIGHT be in bed with them but they can't help ❌
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💋themselves...kind of like you. WHERE do you think they got it from? 💋
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🐂Besides, if YOU KNOW THE DEVIL in the biblical sense WHY SHOULDN'T WE? We 🐂
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❌EXPRESS PASSION and YOU ARE AN EVIL MONSTER!!!!👹 Good luck hauling your ❌
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💋your wagon! WE'RE TAKING A PLANE!! 💋
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🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂
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Shooting when low on bullets. That's really intelligent. NO WONDER you're
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starving.
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As you overindulge in a huge platter of spaghetti, it suddenly begins to
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strangle you to death.
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You gasp for air, reaching out to the Devil for help! In vain. She's already
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here cackling like the monster you are, just WAITING FOR YOU.
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Your time has come my friend. But didn't you want to know her better anyway?
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Better go fulfil your promise! SHE WANTS YOU RIGHT NOW! 💋
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
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🐂 The only food you have left is an ox! 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 As you have no choice left, you promptly 🐂
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🐂 kill it before it runs away, and it sure 🐂
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🐂 was DELICIOUS!!! 🐂
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🐂 ( OX'S VOICE ) 🐂
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🐂 You're a sick, sick individual. You do 🐂
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🐂 know that, right? First you BURDEN ME 🐂
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🐂 WITH ALL YOUR RUBBISH and THEN YOU EAT ME?🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 I hope you remember you were starving me 🐂
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🐂 to death so it's your fault you won't get 🐂
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🐂 much sustenance from MURDERING YOUR 🐂
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🐂 FAITHFUL SLAVE ANIMAL!!! Not that I had a 🐂
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🐂 choice. 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 And YES, there's a place IN HELL FOR 🐂
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🐂 MONSTERS LIKE YOU, AND YES YOUR TIME IS 🐂
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🐂 FAST APPROACHING, YOU RUDDY UNFAITHFUL 🐂
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🐂 LITTLE GIT. 🐂
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🐂 😈😈😈 HE'S WAITING. 😈😈😈 🐂
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🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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🐂 An ox looks at you funny so you eat him! 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 You're a sick, sick individual. You do know that,🐂
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🐂 right? FIRST you BURDEN HIM WITH ALL YOUR RUBBISH🐂
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🐂 and THEN YOU EAT HIM BECAUSE OF A FUNNY LOOK? And🐂
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🐂 YOU DIDN'T EVEN SHARE HIM WITH YOUR FAMILY! 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 What next, will you eat your daughter too? No! 🐂
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🐂 NO! NO NO NO NO! I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT! NO!🐂
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🐂 DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING HER! BACK OFF!! 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 SHE'S MINE!!! 🐂
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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One of the daughters cut her arm and it had to be amputated. THANK GOD she is
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not DOWN IN THE MOUTH AND SHE WANTS TO EAT IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SUDDENLY
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STARVING!!!
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But OF COURSE you didn't get any. If you weren't eyeing it so lustily you would
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have seen that she seemed to ESPECIALLY ENJOY IT, GREEDILY DEVOURING IT AS IF
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IT WAS HER LAST SUPPER! Wait, HAS THE DEVIL POSSESSED HER TOO?! THAT EVIL
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WITCH!!! 🧙🧙🧙
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Hang on. YOU'RE JUDGING HER AFTER ALL YOU'VE DONE? CUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW! NO.
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NO! NO! NO! STOP! I DID NOT MEAN CUT ANOTHER LIMB OFF HER! YES I KNOW I got
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some and you didn't. And yes it was DELICIOUS! But she wanted me to remember it
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before it was all gone, not you. Eat your own arm if you must. No. I meant stop
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accusing her of witchcraft. YOU signed the Devil's book, NOT HER and it WAS her
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body! This is ALL YOUR FAULT, JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE that's happened since
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that fateful night!
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Wagon train damaged! Lost time time resupplying from the Devil.
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Suddenly your clocks stop...
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I guess it must have happened AGAIN! And WHY THE DEVIL DO YOU KEEP SWIMMING IN
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THE MOLASSES RIVER?! Honestly, you'll be lucky if you don't SINK IN IT before
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it sinks into your stick-in-the-molasses head.
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⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️
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You made it safely through South Pass--no snow. Clearly the Devil has your
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back. For now my dear fiend, for now...
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He might be plotting against you. Oh hell. I KNOW HE IS. HE TOLD ME HE IS.
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Your time is coming AND THE DEVIL AND I BOTH CANNOT WAIT! Neither can your
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daughters. They told me last night in the wagon. YES. I KNOW THEM.
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⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️
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🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
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🪦 All you had was mouldy bread,🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 Therefore here you must lie. 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 Because now you're dead. 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 GOODBYE! 🪦
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🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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🐂 ( OX'S VOICE ) 🐂
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🐂 Still happy you ate me? How many more miles do you have 🐂
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🐂 to go? 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 YOU'RE COOKED and you know it, you horrible, HORRIBLE MONSTER. 🐂
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻
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👻 A little ghost floats by and shouts: BOO!!!! 👻
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👻 👻
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👻 Okay that was NOT funny, Casper! Go back to 👻
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👻 your shallow grave, you LITTLE JERK! 👻
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👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻
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___🔥🔥🔥___
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/ 🔥🔥🔥 \
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|🔥 WAGON 🔥
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🔥🔥🔥 |___🔥🔥🔥___🔥🔥🔥
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🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥O 🔥🔥🔥 O🔥🔥
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🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
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🪦A fire breaks out in your wagon, and the wind quickly 🪦
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🪦fans the flames, CAUSING YOUR AMMO TO BLOW UP, killing🪦
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🪦you! Somehow everyone else survived... 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦Frankly, IT WAS ABOUT TIME. I mean WHAT KIND OF IDIOT 🪦
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🪦overloads their wagon with WEAPONS? 🪦
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🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
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Uh oh. A black cat just jumped out in front of you. Is the Devil calling you?
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Better go have a look before it's too late. Maybe it already is. Your daughters
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told me you're an ailurophobe! Some pretty wild stories I hear. I think it
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probably is too late. Isn't it Friday the 13th?
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You take lots of cash 💰 from the riders 🏇, accidentally stabbing one as he
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flees. But since you're starving, why don't you MAKE PENANCE BY NOT WASTING THE
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BODY YOU RUDELY CUT OPEN?
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🍖🥩🍔🥩🍔🍖
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Mm...that was DELICIOUS!!!
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(🪦👻RIDER'S SOBBING VOICE FROM THE GRAVE👻🪦)
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You know what you did is wrong, right? We were JUST ROBBED YESTERDAY, you rob
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us today AND NOW I'M DEAD 👻!
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WELL GOOD. I WAS DYING OF DYSENTERY and now YOU get to SPREAD THE DISEASE as
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well.
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~~~~~~
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/ 🍝🍝🍝 \
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/ 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝 \
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/ 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝 \
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| 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝|
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\ ||| ||| /
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\ ||||| /
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\ ||| /
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\__________/
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|| ||
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|| ||
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__||__||__
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WOW!!!! THAT'S A SPAGHETTI TREE!!! I saw them over 100 years from now when I
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last used my Time Machine!! The BBC will cultivate them on April Fool's Day
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1957!! THEY'RE AMAZING!! The Time Machines are okay and kind of interesting.
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Dangerous though...
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But the spaghetti looks pretty ominous, doesn't it? IT LOOKS LIKE IT WANTS TO
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REACH DOWN AND GRAB YOU! Better be careful. If they strangle you YOU WILL GO TO
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HELL! On the plus side... YOU'LL HAVE THE MOST AMAZING STORY to tell your
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fellow sinners... Trust me. I've been there on holiday! It's PRETTY WILD!!
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Summers are AMAZINGLY HOT!! Although...GETTING EATEN BY A DRAGON OR KILLED BY
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TYRANNOSAURUSES is an EVEN BETTER STORY! That's MUCH MORE EXCITING than a
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SPAGHETTI TREE KILLING YOU!! Although...now I think on it...they're ALSO in
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Hell so maybe it's better if the spaghetti kills you. Want me to strangle you
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with it if it doesn't do it? Of course...the trees are there too...LOTS of
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parties too. And good old TORTURE! IT'S AWESOME!
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😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
|
|
😈 Uh oh! Is that the DEVIL I see in your mirror again? Or are YOU looking at 😈
|
|
😈 it from behind your dressing curtain? 😈
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
😈 BETTER BREAK IT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!! Yes, YES, I KNOW IT'S BAD LUCK TO 😈
|
|
😈 BREAK A MIRROR!! But ask yourself this: what's worse, seeing yourself in 😈
|
|
😈 the Devil's mirror OR simply having bad luck for 7 long years? Let's be 😈
|
|
😈 honest. You're NOT going to make it that long anyway! Why not just give 😈
|
|
😈 your mind some peace and die in an unknown way? Much less scarier AND IF 😈
|
|
😈 YOU DON'T BREAK IT I WILL! I don't want to see the Devil in your mirror! OH😈
|
|
😈 HELL! NOT AGAIN! I MEAN I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU IN THE DEVIL'S MIRROR!!! 😈
|
|
😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
|
|
|
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🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣
|
|
🐂 Uh oh. ONE OF THE OXEN JUST KICKED A BUCKET. Is it going to die next? 🐂
|
|
🛁 Or...is it foreshadowing your own death? Let's face it. You have it coming 🛁
|
|
🪣 to you. Better throw the ox out with the bathwater before it's too late. Oh🪣
|
|
🐂 and don't try telling me you don't have any oxen left, if you can even 🐂
|
|
🛁 count! It kicked the bucket SO OF COURSE IT DOESN'T EXIST!! 🛁
|
|
🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🪣
|
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|
🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖
|
|
🦖 A GROUP OF TYRANNOSAURUSES ATTACK! 🦖
|
|
🦖 🦖
|
|
🦖Unfortunately for you, you're in a time LONG BEFORE the brilliant 🦖
|
|
🦖mathematician Ian Malcolm informed us that DINOSAURS FIND A WAY TO KILL 🦖
|
|
🦖HUMANS. You should have thought of that BEFORE you STUPIDLY climbed into 🦖
|
|
🦖that Time Machine to travel back in time to the Oregon Trail, where you 🦖
|
|
🦖could not possibly know so many important things about dinosaurs... 🦖
|
|
🦖 🦖
|
|
🦖ALTHOUGH, now I think on it, that MIGHT not have been EXACTLY how it went... 🦖
|
|
🦖I THINK the correct wording was 'LIFE FINDS A WAY' but that's well over 100 🦖
|
|
🦖years from now and instead of life finding a way the Devil will find a way. 🦖
|
|
🦖To torment you. With more dinosaurs. And dragons. Yes they still exist. Oh 🦖
|
|
🦖and the Earth is flat too... 🦖
|
|
🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖
|
|
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
/ \
|
|
/ A \
|
|
|TORMENTED|
|
|
| PIONEER |
|
|
| R.I.P. |
|
|
|_________|
|
|
GAME OVER
|
|
Here you lie dead,
|
|
You tried to outrun a runaway bed.
|
|
But you slipped and hit your head,
|
|
and now you body's forever in an underground bed!
|
|
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
|
|
🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️
|
|
🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️
|
|
|
|
Blizzard in mountain pass--time wasted asking Devil for help restocking.
|
|
|
|
Unfortunately, the unfaithful monster only gives you ONE MEASLY BULLET. Like
|
|
that's going to help his most faithful lieutenant? Oh but are you faithful?
|
|
|
|
Perhaps you should have used a mountain cable car 🚠, rather than relying on
|
|
the Devil! It's pretty funny you didn't know he was unfaithful and yet expects
|
|
complete loyalty. Or else. HE'S COMING.
|
|
|
|
You have been on the trail too long and you die of boredom.
|
|
|
|
You know you're lucky to have made it this long. Frankly with your behaviour
|
|
I'm surprised you didn't die from a sinful disease much earlier. Or drowning in
|
|
molasses. Or freezing to death with your choice in clothing.
|
|
🩳🩲👗👙🩳🩲👗👙🩳🩲👗👙
|
|
SERIOUSLY mate, you brought shorts, briefs, A DRESS AND A BIKINI on the Oregon
|
|
Trail? What the hell were you thinking? Actually though...now I think on
|
|
it...perhaps Hell WILL serve you better? I hear the Summers are AMAZING there!
|
|
Winters, not so much.
|
|
|
|
At least your family gets free food now, assuming monsters are edible. I'm not
|
|
sure if they are. I suspect they would be poisoned or die from your hot,
|
|
burning flesh.
|
|
|
|
You'd better do some hunting or buy food soon, before you starve
|
|
to death! Or don't. Let's face it. You'd deserve it.
|
|
|
|
😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈
|
|
🏥Doctor's bill is $666 and you can't afford it DUE TO ALL YOUR RECKLESS 🏥
|
|
😈SPENDING! HE MUST BE POSSESSED BY BEELZEBUB! SURELY ONLY THE DEVIL would do 😈
|
|
🏥this. It's not like you've ever killed a helpless animal or human, never 🏥
|
|
😈robbed anyone, never ate human flesh or done any other heinous thing, never 😈
|
|
🏥sinned ... 🏥
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
🏥NO. STOP LYING! YOU signed the Devil's book! You should have listened to your 🏥
|
|
😈Reverend Samuel Parris way back in 1692. All these wild, strange and bad 😈
|
|
🏥happenings, since you began your journey are ALL YOUR fault, EVEN YOUR 🏥
|
|
😈DAUGHTERS' WILD DANCING BY THE NIGHT FIRES AS IF POSSESSED! Not that I'm going😈
|
|
🏥to complain about THAT...Hell, THEY ASKED ME TO JOIN THEM! 🏥
|
|
😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈
|
|
|
|
🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖
|
|
👶 ( SON'S VOICE ) 👶
|
|
🍖 🍖
|
|
👶How you feeling about eating me? Eating your own son, NO WONDER she was 👶
|
|
🍖having an affair before her untimely death! It was with YOUR SISTER AND HER 🍖
|
|
👶HUSBAND. 👶
|
|
🍖 🍖
|
|
👶OH NO. NO, NO, NO, NO!! Please don't tell me you ate her too. Wait. You 👶
|
|
🍖didn't feed her to us, did you? Ugh, you did, didn't you? You're a sick, sick 🍖
|
|
👶person. 👶
|
|
🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖
|
|
|
|
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
You have died of dysentery.
|
|
CONGRATULATIONS ON REACHING
|
|
LEGENDARY STATUS!
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸 YOU HAVE DIED OF INJURIES! 🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
|
|
Better than diarrhoea though, right?
|
|
|
|
Frankly, it serves you right. If you hadn't wasted all that time and money
|
|
sinning you MIGHT have made it. But I guess there's no real difference; after
|
|
all, none of us really make it out alive, do we? Well off you go then! HEAVEN
|
|
AWAITS!! Or does it?
|
|
|
|
Do you want to (1) stop at the next fort 🏰, (2) hunt 📸 or (3) continue?
|
|
Do you want to (1) hunt 📸 or (2) continue?
|
|
You need more bullets to go hunting. Or -- do you?
|
|
|
|
You have died of exhaustion. I'm SURE your victims ARE MOURNING FOR YOUR
|
|
FAMILY. Assuming they're not too busy EATING YOU 🍕🍔🍟🥪🌯🌮🌭 WITH THEM. I
|
|
KNOW FOR A FACT your daughters LOVE meat and I'm sure they're already devouring
|
|
you! Hopefully they'll save some for everyone else this time; it'd be a REAL
|
|
SHAME if your body went to waste...or would it be?
|
|
|
|
💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰❌💋
|
|
❌DON'T BE ABSURD! You don't have that kind of money. ❌
|
|
💰In fact, one of your daughters told me JUST LAST 💰
|
|
💋NIGHT that ONCE AGAIN you had a delightfully sinful 💋
|
|
❌night! NO! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING! NOTHING ❌
|
|
💰HAPPENED BETWEEN US! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, YOU 💰
|
|
💋FILTHY SINNER! 💋
|
|
❌ ❌
|
|
💰Hmm...although...now I think on it, I'm starting 💰
|
|
💋to wonder... OH HELL! NO NO NO! What if she seduced 💋
|
|
❌me and we DID DO something? That would be AWFUL, ❌
|
|
💰JUDGING YOU WHILE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ONE OF THE 💰
|
|
💋WOMEN! Still sure WE'D NEVER SIGN THE DEVIL'S BOOK! 💋
|
|
❌ ❌
|
|
💰Although...I don't really remember WHAT we did last 💰
|
|
💋night... ANYWAY, KEEP US OUT OF IT YOU MONSTER! 💋
|
|
❌ ❌
|
|
💰The book has a cost and money doesn't grow on trees. 💰
|
|
💋Perhaps it might grow on horns though? Ask the Devil 💋
|
|
❌for help. Assuming he helps MONSTERS. ❌
|
|
💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋
|
|
|
|
You FINALLY arrived at Oregon City after 2170 long miles!
|
|
|
|
TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH. Probably all your sinful detours I've heard so much about
|
|
but you'd think that the Devil would have helped you out on that. But I guess
|
|
as long as you make it to your final destination that's what matters, right?
|
|
|
|
Oh, right. Almost forgot! President Jesse James asked me to wish you a
|
|
prosperous life ahead of you...in HELL!
|
|
|
|
🔥🌨️🔥🌨️🔥🌨️🔥🌨️🔥🌨️🔥🌨️🔥
|
|
Phantom blizzard from Hell suddenly hits and you freeze to death, leaving
|
|
everyone behind. You know the Devil 😈 is calling you, right?
|
|
🩳🩲👗👙
|
|
And with your choice in clothing, ARE YOU REALLY SURPRISED YOU FROZE TO DEATH?
|
|
I mean SERIOUSLY mate, shorts, briefs, A DRESS AND A BIKINI on the Oregon
|
|
Trail? What the hell were you thinking? You're not in Hell, you're on the
|
|
Oregon Trail!
|
|
|
|
Although...now I think on it...perhaps Hell WILL serve you better? I hear the
|
|
Summers are GREAT there! Lots of parties. Winters are -- actually, there are no
|
|
winters. ONLY WEATHER TO BURN YOU FOR ETERNITY.
|
|
|
|
At least your family gets fresh meat on the bone, assuming they can stomach
|
|
eating a horrible monster. If I were them I'D BURN YOUR BODY.
|
|
|
|
🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔
|
|
🍟Uh oh. THERE'S ANOTHER ELF! You must be 🍟
|
|
🍔losing your mind my friend! ELVES DON'T 🍔
|
|
🍟EXIST, unless you ask a German. They can't 🍟
|
|
🍔even count to 11 without claiming there are 🍔
|
|
🍟elves! Neun, zehn, Elf ... I guess I might 🍟
|
|
🍔be losing my mind too! BETTER SHOOT THE ELF 🍔
|
|
🍟BEFORE IT TAKES YOUR DAUGHTERS AWAY AND EATS 🍟
|
|
🍔THEM! You might need them for food later on, 🍔
|
|
🍟you HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MONSTER. They are 🍟
|
|
🍔heavenly women and are not for evil Devil 🍔
|
|
🍟worshippers to eat! NO. NOT FOR ME EITHER! 🍟
|
|
🍔Stop going there you sicko! They are NOT food 🍔
|
|
🍟and YOU CANNOT GO TO HEAVEN, YOU DEVIL 🍟
|
|
🍔WORSHIPPING MONSTER! Cut it out. NO! NOT THEM!🍔
|
|
🍟STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!! 🍟
|
|
🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔
|
|
|
|
You need more bullets to go hunting. Or..do you?
|
|
|
|
You shot a Bald Eagle 🦅. WHY, monster, WHY?!
|
|
|
|
I mean look at its former strength, its majesty! No wonder it became the symbol
|
|
of America!
|
|
|
|
GREAT JOB Devil worshipping pioneer, you just killed America! I hope it's
|
|
poisoned or you at least choke on the bones.
|
|
|
|
🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃
|
|
Great shot! YOU GOT THE FATTEST ONE THERE! As if that should be hard. IT COULD
|
|
BARELY MOVE! But with your WILD SHOOTING AND HORRIBLE AIM the ONLY REASON you
|
|
didn't miss by a hundred miles is you signed the Devil's book, EVEN THOUGH IT
|
|
WAS AS WIDE AS A BLUE WHALE. There's no way you'd have got such a nice shot
|
|
EVEN IF THE POOR BEAST WAS PRACTICALLY DEAD. I'm STILL surprised you didn't
|
|
shoot yourself in the eyes. But the Devil DOES exact his dues and the animal
|
|
might have been poisoned. Eat at your own risk. OR STARVE. Let's face it,
|
|
YOU'RE DOOMED.
|
|
🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃
|
|
|
|
WHAT A TERRIBLE SHOT! How could anyone POSSIBLY miss a helpless animal that was
|
|
standing still, 100 FEET WIDE AND 150 YEARS OLD? IT WAS SO FAT IT WOULD MAKE
|
|
100 BLUE WHALES OBESE!
|
|
|
|
I hope you starve, you murderous beast, and it looks like you're going to,
|
|
after WASTING ALL THOSE BULLETS and MISSING FISH OUT OF WATER. You'd better
|
|
buy some food NOW.
|
|
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋
|
|
😈Severe illness. You must see Doctor Beelzebub. Assuming he's 😈
|
|
😈not too busy trying to tempt your daughters. Don't worry though!😈
|
|
😈I don't think he'll succeed. I haven't yet either and I'VE BEEN 😈
|
|
😈TRYING FOR YEARS! THEY ARE INCORRIGIBLE MUMPSIMUSES!! No. I 😈
|
|
😈don't think he's possessed me. I'm just like that. But we can 😈
|
|
😈test it. What do you think about performing an exorcism on me? 😈
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
😈Actually...no. I take that back. Let me perform one on YOU to 😈
|
|
😈make sure it works. I'm pretty sure they don't but better to do 😈
|
|
😈it on a Devil worshipper than someone who's unhinged from 😈
|
|
😈watching you. Safer that way. 😈
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋
|
|
|
|
If we are what we eat then doesn't that mean we're all cannibals?
|
|
|
|
|
|
🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇
|
|
🤯 Riders ahead. They don't look hostile. 🤯
|
|
🏇🔫🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫🏇
|
|
🤯🔫Oh! I know what to do! You should TOTALLY ROB THEM BLIND!! They won't 🔫🤯
|
|
🏇🔫know what hit them and it's not like they need their belongings, not 🔫🏇
|
|
🤯🔫where they are going, and you're going to need them soon, with your 🔫🤯
|
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🏇🔫reckless behaviour. 🔫🏇
|
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🤯🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫🤯
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🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇
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💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉
|
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💉You scared them off with your ERRATIC shooting. NEARLY BLEW MY HEAD OFF TOO.💉
|
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💉GREAT JOB. 💉
|
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💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉
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🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
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🩸🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🩸
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🩸💩WORST SHOT EVER! You got💩🩸
|
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🩸💩knifed 🔪 by the dung! 💩🩸
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🩸💩How did you miss the 💩🩸
|
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🩸💩TRIGGER? 💩🩸
|
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🩸🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🩸
|
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🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
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Be honest. IT'S YOUR OWN STUPID FAULT FOR TRYING TO ATTACK FRIENDLY PEOPLE!
|
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Seriously, what the hell kind of person does that? I'm glad the dung 💩 knifed
|
|
🔪 you. And remember that if the wound becomes infected with bacteria IT'S YOUR
|
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OWN BLOODY FAULT.
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Better have Doctor Beelzebub check it out, assuming he wasn't shot and treats
|
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MONSTERS. I hope he was shot!
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You have to see Doctor Beelzebub!
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🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇
|
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Riders were friendly, but check for possible
|
|
losses anyway. It's always the friendly ones
|
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who do something bad!! They're OBVIOUSLY hiding
|
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something!
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⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️
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🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛
|
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🐺I JUST HATE VAMPIRES! Don't you? If they had it their way THERE WOULD BE NO 🐺
|
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🥄SUN! Can you imagine how HORRIBLE that would be?! 🥄
|
|
🧛 🧛
|
|
🐺Wait. You mean to tell me...you want ETERNAL Sun and NO Moon?! Only ONE 🐺
|
|
🥄reason for that! You MUST be a...WEREWOLF! I KNEW IT! Better watch your 🥄
|
|
🧛heart. If you have one. Your daughters have SILVER SPOONS and they're FED UP🧛
|
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🐺WITH YOUR BARKING BEHAVIOUR!! 🐺
|
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🥄 🥄
|
|
🧛On the other blade...IT IS VERY HOT don't you think? Almost as if it's 🧛
|
|
🐺foreshadowing what's to come! MAYBE WE SHOULD GET RID OF FIRE TOO! I mean 🐺
|
|
🥄you're in extreme danger of that too! THEN WE CAN DROWN you so you can BURN 🥄
|
|
🧛IN HELL!!! And if that doesn't work, we can behead you with the SPOONS!! 🧛
|
|
🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺
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🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺
|
|
🥄Suddenly...the hairs on your neck stand up. ARE YOU ACTUALLY A 🥄
|
|
🐺WEREWOLF? You do know that there are silver spoons in your daughters' 🐺
|
|
🥄wagon, right? 🥄
|
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🐺 🐺
|
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🥄Better run for your life or howl to scare them off before it's too 🥄
|
|
🐺late, because they told me that they HATE wolves, are SICK OF your 🐺
|
|
🥄BARKING BEHAVIOUR and THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR DEVIL WORSHIPPING!! 🥄
|
|
🐺 🐺
|
|
🥄Oh and yes. Spoons CAN stab you in the heart. If you don't believe 🥄
|
|
🐺 me...try it. Assuming you have a heart in the first place... 🐺
|
|
🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄
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|
|
You ran out of bullets and got massacred by the riders.
|
|
|
|
How I do not know, seeing as how they were friendly. Oh
|
|
I remember now. It's because you actually decided to
|
|
cowardly try and rob them blind.
|
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|
|
____
|
|
____( )____
|
|
/ o \
|
|
(FLAT 🫓 OXEN 🐂)
|
|
\____ ____o_/
|
|
| |
|
|
Flat oxen--slows you down.
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|
|
And don't try telling me you didn't have an
|
|
ox because that would also be a flat ox!
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|
🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄
|
|
🦄About 100 feet from here YOU SWEAR you see an ox stuck in 🦄
|
|
🦄a hole. THANK THE DEVIL IT'S NOT A DONKEY! You KNOW what 🦄
|
|
🦄that would make!! There are enough here already! NO! Don't 🦄
|
|
🦄look at me! I DON'T MEAN THAT, YOU LITTLE JERK!! 🦄
|
|
🦄 🦄
|
|
🦄But of course YOU'RE WRONG AS USUAL. IT'S NOT AN OX. You 🦄
|
|
🦄NEED a pair of VERY POWERFUL glasses my friend. Might also 🦄
|
|
🦄want to avoid that funny fungi...could be related...somehow.🦄
|
|
🦄But really get some eyeglasses! 🦄
|
|
🦄 🦄
|
|
🦄 IT'S OBVIOUS YOU SEE A UNICORN!!!! 🦄
|
|
🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄
|
|
|
|
Bad luck--you got gangrene in one of your limbs and you had to chop it off. Or
|
|
maybe it was good luck? FREE FOOD TONIGHT!!! 🍖
|
|
|
|
Oh dear. That isn't the Barghest AGAIN is it? Better watch your back! And
|
|
front. And above you. Actually, YOU'RE DOOMED and you know it. Your fate was
|
|
sealed upon signing the Devil's book. Honestly, what were you thinking? You HAD
|
|
to have known it always comes with a cost. And you and I BOTH KNOW that the
|
|
women were warning you - but you just HAD to have your way, didn't you?
|
|
|
|
Well the Oregon Trail is out to get you in every direction and the odds are you
|
|
won't make it out alive. You might be in good company there, AND YOU AT LEAST
|
|
GET TO SEE DINOSAURS ALIVE (LUCKY YOU!!) BUT THERE'S NO AIR CONDITIONING and I
|
|
heard it gets REALLY HOT down there. Then again, I also heard there's no heater
|
|
in Heaven... Yup, either way YOU'RE DOOMED AND YOU KNOW IT! But don't feel too
|
|
bad. At least you won't FREEZE TO DEATH. You might here though... Yup, FREEZE
|
|
TO DEATH HERE and then BURN TO DEATH THERE!
|
|
|
|
🍖🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🍖
|
|
🍖Your son gets lost and FREEZES TO DEATH! 🍖
|
|
🍖 🍖
|
|
🍖But on the bright side, you now have one fewer person to feed and not only 🍖
|
|
🍖that you get a FREE MEAL TONIGHT!!! Not that you've been starving yourself 🍖
|
|
🍖deliberately. You're a glutton and you know it. But hey, now you have FRESH 🍖
|
|
🍖MEAT ON THE BONE!! Why not START A FEAST? You did remember your pots and 🍖
|
|
🍖deadpans, right? IF NOT I HOPE YOU STARVE TO DEATH. OH AND YOU BETTER SHARE 🍖
|
|
🍖THIS TIME! 🍖
|
|
🍖🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🍖
|
|
|
|
💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦
|
|
🚽OH HELL! That water tasted REALLY funny! No. Sorry. NOT Hell. There is no 🚽
|
|
💩water in Hell! Well, wherever you are, it appears you drank unpotable water 💩
|
|
💦and it's too late now. 💦
|
|
🚽 🚽
|
|
💩Next time LOOK AT WHAT 💩 you intend 💦 on swallowing BEFORE YOU SHOVE IT 💩
|
|
💦DOWN YOUR THROAT, because you now have dysentery. 💦
|
|
🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽
|
|
|
|
Heavy rains---time and supplies lost.
|
|
|
|
But seriously, you brought these
|
|
supposed brollies?
|
|
🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂
|
|
|
|
You SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT THESE:
|
|
☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️
|
|
AND THESE HATS!!
|
|
🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢
|
|
|
|
👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑
|
|
🏴THE QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE ATTACKS! 🏴
|
|
☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️
|
|
|
|
YES. You're right. That WAS Blackbeard's ship! Yes EDWARD TEACH IS ON THE
|
|
OREGON TRAIL! NO, YOU'RE NOT HALLUCINATING. Neither am I. Didn't you know he
|
|
also signed the Devil's book? Oh well, now you've been taught. Still, a ghost
|
|
is a ghost...THIS SHOULD BE EASY!!
|
|
|
|
But face it. After all you've done, you DESERVE THIS AND YOU KNOW IT! I HOPE HE
|
|
ROBS YOU BLIND and if you die in the process you know it's your fault. Your
|
|
time is coming and the Devil is calling you, laddie.
|
|
|
|
🦵🩸❌💰
|
|
BLACKBEARD DIED OVER A CENTURY AGO AND HE STILL GOT YOU!
|
|
|
|
Yes SOMEHOW you got shot in the leg and robbed by a GHOST.
|
|
|
|
GREAT JOB!
|
|
|
|
|
|
🦵🩸 ❌🐂
|
|
|
|
|
|
You got shot in the leg and they took one of your oxen, whether
|
|
or not you have any oxen left. Not that that matters much;
|
|
you're more than capable of stealing one, assuming you don't
|
|
sacrifice it to the gods. The Devil. I meant the Devil.
|
|
|
|
WELL DONE, LAD!!!
|
|
|
|
Somehow, you scared the pirates off! Unfortunately you also managed to steal
|
|
food and miscellaneous supplies from the pirates as they fled, though I
|
|
honestly haven't a bloody clue how you did that. I do hope you get food
|
|
poisoning so you can finally meet the Devil like Blackbeard was SUPPOSED to
|
|
have. But aren't historians so awful, lying about Blackbeard? YOU'RE NEXT,
|
|
LAD!
|
|
|
|
__________
|
|
/ \
|
|
| 🔥🔥🔥 |
|
|
|___🔥🔥🔥___|
|
|
O O
|
|
|
|
There was a fire in your wagon. Too bad only food and supplies were lost! You
|
|
know you deserve worse, right?
|
|
|
|
Lost your way in heavy fog but somehow you did not lose much time, due to the
|
|
STRANGE MAP in the LAST BOOK you read.
|
|
|
|
You know which book I mean. Sure. IT IS a FASCINATING READ! But you do know
|
|
it's going to cost you though, right?
|
|
|
|
🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉
|
|
🐉 A dragon eats you! 🐉
|
|
🐉 🐉
|
|
🐉No, I know what you're probably thinking. I would TOO! Who wants to be eaten 🐉
|
|
🐉by a dragon? But THIS TIME IT WAS NOT any of the grass you understandably 🐉
|
|
🐉ate when you were ravenous. 🐉
|
|
🐉 🐉
|
|
🐉No. I'm afraid not. The Earth is flat, dragons are real and the Sun is 🐉
|
|
🐉crazy. Oh and yes the Devil is also real. But you ALREADY knew that didn't 🐉
|
|
🐉you? Welcome to the harshness of the Oregon Trail. Or was it the Devil's 🐉
|
|
🐉bedchamber? Oh well, you're dead now so no sense brooding over what seems 🐉
|
|
🐉like Hell. Why not go to the REAL Hell instead? OH HELL, WHY NOT make it the 🐉
|
|
🐉Devil's bedchamber? Be faithful. FOR ONCE. HELL, YOU MIGHT EVEN ENJOY IT! 🐉
|
|
🐉No, not Hell. Okay...actually...yeah, Hell too. 🐉
|
|
🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉
|
|
|
|
🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍
|
|
|
|
You die of a snakebite because you stupidly didn't bring any
|
|
antivenin. Oh wait. I forgot. They haven't invented it yet
|
|
and nobody wants to suck the venom out of you. I'm actually
|
|
surprised they haven't abandoned you entirely. Oh well, now
|
|
they don't need to, although they might not be wise to have
|
|
the fresh off the bone meat.
|
|
|
|
🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍
|
|
|
|
❌❌❌
|
|
❌🐂❌
|
|
❌❌❌
|
|
|
|
Wagon train got swamped fording river; lost food, clothes and an ox got stuck,
|
|
whether or not you spared no expense on oxen. Alas, you couldn't save him.
|
|
|
|
WAIT. You didn't swim in the Molasses River AGAIN, did you? HOW MANY TIMES DO I
|
|
HAVE TO REMIND YOU THAT THIS IS A VERY BAD IDEA? If only you thought to bring a
|
|
portable oven so you could AT LEAST bake molasses cookies 🍪! But you didn't.
|
|
I hope you starve. Then you'll be able to cook all the cookies in the world.
|
|
HELL. I MEANT IN HELL.
|
|
|
|
Wild dragons attack! And you actually thought you could shoot
|
|
them? Everyone knows dragons have armoured scales. I mean what
|
|
was the point? You should have brought yourself a pair of wings
|
|
so you could fly straight into the fire, so that you would've
|
|
gone out in STYLE and with an amazing legacy!
|
|
|
|
And no, I'm afraid you weren't hallucinating. The Earth IS flat,
|
|
dragons ARE real and the Sun IS crazy. Oh and the Devil is real
|
|
too. But you already knew that, didn't you, you filthy sinner?
|
|
|
|
Unfortunately, bullets won't help you with dragons; I'm surprised
|
|
you didn't know that. Anyone knows dragons have armoured scales.
|
|
Unfortunately for you they took a few oxen and upturned your wagon
|
|
train, causing you further delays.
|
|
|
|
Just be thankful you're still alive because this time you were walking
|
|
on dragon eggshells. No. If you did that you'd be dead. I meant walking
|
|
a thin line.
|
|
|
|
GREAT SHOOTING---they didn't get anything but you killed
|
|
one of your oxen and somehow you managed to upturn your wagon.
|
|
|
|
🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀🔫
|
|
💀Why in the absolute HELL did you fire your pistol?! There is nobody here to💀
|
|
🔫shoot, except your stupid self! And you nearly blew my head off, you did, 🔫
|
|
💀you BLOODY IDIOT! 💀
|
|
🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀 🔫 💀🔫
|
|
|
|
😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈
|
|
👶 ( SON'S VOICE ) 👶
|
|
😈How you feeling about eating me? Eating your own son, and you're sick, too. 😈
|
|
👶 👶
|
|
😈 Probably food poisoning. GOOD. SERVES YOU RIGHT. Time to die. 😈
|
|
👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶
|
|
|
|
🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶
|
|
🥶You freeze to death.🥶
|
|
🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶
|
|
👙🩳🩲👗
|
|
And with your choice in clothing, ARE YOU REALLY SURPRISED? I mean SERIOUSLY
|
|
mate, shorts, briefs, A DRESS AND A BIKINI on the Oregon Trail? What the hell
|
|
were you thinking? You're not in Hell, you're on the Oregon Trail!
|
|
|
|
Although...now I think on it, perhaps Hell WILL suit you better? I hear the
|
|
Summers are GREAT there! Winter is as cold as Hell though. No. Not Hell. Hell
|
|
does not get cold! You're going to BURN, BURN, BURN!!!!
|
|
|
|
😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈
|
|
🏥Doctor's bill is $666! HE MUST BE POSSESSED BY BEELZEBUB! SURELY 🏥
|
|
😈ONLY THE DEVIL would do this. It's not like you've ever killed a 😈
|
|
🏥helpless animal or human, never robbed anyone, never ate human 🏥
|
|
😈flesh or done any other heinous thing, never sinned ... 😈
|
|
🏥 🏥
|
|
😈NO. STOP LYING! YOU signed the Devil's book! You should have 😈
|
|
🏥listened to your Reverend Samuel Parris way back in 1692. All 🏥
|
|
😈these wild, strange and bad happenings, since you began your 😈
|
|
🏥journey are ALL YOUR fault, EVEN YOUR DAUGHTERS' WILD DANCING BY 🏥
|
|
😈THE MOONLIT NIGHT FIRES AS IF POSSESSED! Not that I'm going to 😈
|
|
🏥complain about THAT...Hell, THEY ASKED ME TO JOIN THEM! 🏥
|
|
😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈
|
|
|
|
🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂
|
|
☔️Hail storm--YOU WERE HIT ON THE HEAD and supplies were damaged. But did you ☔️
|
|
🧢REALLY think this CLOSED BROLLY 🌂 was going to help you against HAIL? Even 🧢
|
|
🌂this one ☔️ PROBABLY wouldn't do much good. YOU SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT A 🌂
|
|
☔️HAT 🧢!! ☔️
|
|
🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢
|
|
|
|
Helpful Indians show you where to find more food. Pizza, hamburgers,
|
|
chips/fries and other greasy, fatty foods ...
|
|
🍕🍔🍟🥪🌯🌮🌭
|
|
Okay so IT'S ONLY A HEART ATTACK ON A PLATE but at least you'll survive another
|
|
day...if you don't have a heart attack first, that is... Better have your
|
|
Doctor Beelzebub check you out. If he's still alive. Oh no.
|
|
|
|
You didn't eat him when you were starving last time, did you? If so I hope you
|
|
DO have a heart attack!
|
|
|
|
|
|
🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶
|
|
🧶 Rugged mountains.🧶
|
|
🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶
|
|
|
|
You got lost, losing valuable time asking the Devil 😈 for directions to the
|
|
CROSSROADS ❌☦️ ⚠️ 🚸.
|
|
|
|
But honestly, HOW DID you get lost? It's practically a TRAFFIC JAM OUT HERE AND
|
|
ONLY A COMPLETE MORON COULD LOSE THEIR WAY.
|
|
|
|
HISTORIANS WILL BE TALKING ABOUT THIS YEARS DOWN THE TRAIL! OH NO. WHAT DID YOU
|
|
DO THIS TIME? You did do something didn't you? I KNOW you did! You ALWAYS do
|
|
something stupid!
|
|
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈
|
|
😈Severe illness. You must see Doctor Beelzebub. Assuming he's not too busy 😈
|
|
😈trying to tempt your daughters. Don't worry though! I don't think he'll 😈
|
|
😈succeed. I haven't yet either and I'VE BEEN TRYING FOR YEARS! THEY ARE BLOODY 😈
|
|
😈INCORRIGIBLE MUMPSIMUSES!! No. I don't think he's possessed me. I'm just 😈
|
|
😈like that. But we can test it. What do you think about performing an exorcism 😈
|
|
😈on me? 😈
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
😈Actually...no. I take that back. Let me perform one on YOU to make sure it 😈
|
|
😈works. I'm pretty sure they don't but better to do it on a Devil worshipper 😈
|
|
😈than someone who's unhinged from watching you. Safer that way. 😈
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈
|
|
|
|
You ran out of medical supplies and unfortunately the Devil's in Heaven on
|
|
holiday / business and can't help you restock.
|
|
|
|
But honestly, who goes on a 2170 MILES journey WITHOUT bringing medical
|
|
supplies? You brought this on to yourself and you deserve it. But at least I
|
|
just heard that the Devil is on his way home to greet you and thank god for
|
|
that! Send me a postcard, will you? I want to make sure it works out well for
|
|
you down there.
|
|
%ld
|
|
Wagon train damaged! Lost time resupplying from the Devil.
|
|
|
|
Suddenly your clocks stop...
|
|
|
|
I guess it must have happened AGAIN! And WHY THE DEVIL DO YOU
|
|
KEEP SWIMMING IN THE MOLASSES RIVER?! Honestly, you'll be lucky
|
|
if you don't SINK IN IT before it sinks into your
|
|
stick-in-the-molasses head.
|
|
|
|
⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️
|
|
|
|
You made it safely through South
|
|
Pass--no snow. Clearly the Devil
|
|
has your back. For now my dear
|
|
fiend, for now...
|
|
|
|
He might be plotting against you.
|
|
Oh hell. I KNOW HE IS. HE TOLD ME
|
|
HE IS. Your time is coming AND THE
|
|
DEVIL AND I BOTH CANNOT WAIT!
|
|
Neither can your daughters. They
|
|
told me last night in the wagon.
|
|
|
|
🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️
|
|
🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️
|
|
|
|
Blizzard in mountain pass--time wasted asking Devil for help restocking.
|
|
|
|
Unfortunately, the unfaithful monster only gives you ONE MEASLY BULLET. Like
|
|
that's going to help his most faithful lieutenant? Oh but are you faithful?
|
|
|
|
Perhaps you should have used a mountain cable car 🚠, rather than relying on
|
|
the Devil! It's pretty funny you didn't know he was unfaithful and yet expects
|
|
complete loyalty. Or else. HE'S COMING.
|
|
|
|
🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
|
|
🪦 All you had was mouldy bread,🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 Therefore here you must lie. 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 Because now you're dead. 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 GOODBYE! 🪦
|
|
🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
|
|
|
|
How does a turtle tell his friend to move aside? Scute over!
|
|
|
|
You ran out of medical supplies and unfortunately the Devil's in
|
|
Heaven on holiday / business and can't help you restock.
|
|
|
|
But honestly, who goes on a 2170 miles journey WITHOUT bringing
|
|
medical supplies? You brought this on to yourself and you deserve it.
|
|
But at least I just heard that the Devil is on his way home to greet
|
|
you and thank god for that! Send me a postcard, will you? I want to
|
|
make sure it works out well for you down there.
|
|
|
|
If your printer is working you're VERY OBVIOUSLY not using it right. And if you
|
|
do not understand this may your good fortune last my dear friend. You'll need it.
|
|
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸 YOU HAVE DIED OF INJURIES! 🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
|
|
Better than diarrhoea though,
|
|
right?
|
|
|
|
Frankly, it serves you right.
|
|
If you hadn't wasted all that
|
|
time and money sinning you
|
|
MIGHT have made it. But I guess
|
|
there's no real difference;
|
|
after all, none of us really
|
|
make it out alive, do we? Well
|
|
off you go then! HEAVEN AWAITS!!
|
|
Or does it?
|
|
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
|
|
You have died of dysentery.
|
|
|
|
CONGRATULATIONS ON REACHING
|
|
LEGENDARY STATUS!
|
|
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
|
|
If you lost your sense of irony then try looking in a blue tissue box.
|
|
|
|
I MAY be delusional but at least I have a VIVID imagination!
|
|
|
|
%f
|
|
You FINALLY arrived at Oregon City after 2170 long miles!
|
|
|
|
TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH. Probably all your sinful detours I've heard so much about but you'd think
|
|
that the Devil would have helped you out on that. But I guess as long as you make it to your final
|
|
destination that's what matters, right?
|
|
|
|
Oh, right. Almost forgot! President Jesse James asked me to wish you a prosperous life ahead of
|
|
you...in HELL!
|
|
|
|
Monday
|
|
Tuesday
|
|
Wednesday
|
|
Thursday
|
|
Friday
|
|
Saturday
|
|
Sunday
|
|
1847
|
|
July
|
|
August
|
|
September
|
|
October
|
|
November
|
|
December
|
|
Pie. Need pie.
|
|
|
|
President Jesse James sends you his heartiest congratulations
|
|
and wishes you a prosperous life ahead at your new home in HELL!
|
|
|
|
What does a tomato do when it sees an old friend? It ketches up with it.
|
|
|
|
The only reason the British Museum has only a model of the Pyramid of Giza
|
|
is because the real thing is too big to move.
|
|
|
|
Windows driving you crazy? Buy a scanner and install the included SANE library!
|
|
|
|
Nitrous Oxide: the carbon monoxide for laughing hyenas; they'll literally die from laughter.
|
|
|
|
I can't imagine ever going wireless. Not only am I fully wired, I enjoy it immensely.
|
|
|
|
If you're confused when someone tells you you're wrong to write:
|
|
|
|
void main()
|
|
{
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
please feel free to try the following instead:
|
|
|
|
void brain()
|
|
{
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
because that is perfectly valid C.
|
|
|
|
Sorry for the inconvenience and thanks for your understanding,
|
|
|
|
-- Neurosurgery Department of C, AT&T Bell Labs.
|
|
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈
|
|
😈 Severe illness. You must see Doctor 😈
|
|
😈 Beelzebub. Assuming he's not too busy 😈
|
|
😈 trying to tempt your daughters. Don't 😈
|
|
😈 worry though! I don't think he'll 😈
|
|
😈 succeed. I haven't yet either and I'VE 😈
|
|
😈 BEEN TRYING FOR YEARS! THEY ARE 😈
|
|
😈 INCORRIGIBLE MUMPSIMUSES!! No. I don't 😈
|
|
😈 think he's possessed me. I'm just like 😈
|
|
😈 that. But we can test it. What do you 😈
|
|
😈 think about performing an exorcism on 😈
|
|
😈 me? 😈
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
😈 Actually...no. I take that back. Let me 😈
|
|
😈 perform one on YOU to make sure it works.😈
|
|
😈 I'm pretty sure they don't but better 😈
|
|
😈 to do it on a Devil worshipper than 😈
|
|
😈 someone who's unhinged from watching you.😈
|
|
😈 Safer that way. 😈
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈
|
|
|
|
💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈
|
|
😈 Mild illness. Medicine used. Not sure why though. 💊
|
|
💊 IT WAS ONLY A SNIFFLE. Probably just the Devil 😈
|
|
😈 TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM YOUR CURSED NOSTRILS. In 💊
|
|
💊 the future THEY BLESS PEOPLE FOR SNEEZING. You 😈
|
|
😈 can die happy knowing you started a thing. Even 💊
|
|
💊 if your death will bring you EVERLASTING TORMENT. 😈
|
|
😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊
|
|
|
|
The Tale of Two Gates: Bill Gates puts holes in your
|
|
windows; Josh Gates puts holes in the ground. And your
|
|
grave.
|
|
|
|
The end.
|
|
|
|
Fun fact about blindness:
|
|
|
|
🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
|
|
🪦 / \ 🪦
|
|
🪦 / A \ 🪦
|
|
🪦 |TORMENTED| 🪦
|
|
🪦 | PIONEER | 🪦
|
|
🪦 | R.I.P. | 🪦
|
|
🪦 |_________| 🪦
|
|
🪦 GAME OVER 🪦
|
|
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
|
|
🔥Unfortunately, due to what can only be an 🔥
|
|
🔥ADMINISTRATIVE FOUL-UP, you end up somewhere 🔥
|
|
🔥you did not expect as your forever home. But 🔥
|
|
🔥honestly, after signing the Devil's book, DO 🔥
|
|
🔥YOU REALLY BELIEVE YOU DON'T BELONG HERE? Be 🔥
|
|
🔥honest. For once. You know you belong here. 🔥
|
|
🔥Oh, by the way, god asked me to wish you a 🔥
|
|
🔥PROSPEROUS LIFE ahead... 🔥
|
|
🔥 🔥
|
|
🔥 😈😈😈 WELCOME TO HELL!! 😈😈😈 🔥
|
|
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
|
|
|
|
___🔥🔥🔥___
|
|
/ 🔥🔥🔥 \
|
|
|🔥 WAGON 🔥
|
|
🔥🔥🔥 |___🔥🔥🔥___🔥🔥🔥
|
|
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥O 🔥🔥🔥 O🔥🔥
|
|
🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
|
|
🪦 A fire breaks out in your 🪦
|
|
🪦 wagon, and the wind quickly🪦
|
|
🪦 fans the flames, CAUSING 🪦
|
|
🪦 YOUR AMMO TO BLOW UP, 🪦
|
|
🪦 killing you! Somehow 🪦
|
|
🪦 everyone else survived... 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 Frankly, IT WAS ABOUT TIME.🪦
|
|
🪦 I mean WHAT KIND OF IDIOT 🪦
|
|
🪦 overloads their wagon with 🪦
|
|
🪦 WEAPONS? 🪦
|
|
🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
|
|
|
|
.''.
|
|
:_\/_:
|
|
.:::::.
|
|
':/\:'
|
|
'..'
|
|
/ \
|
|
|Heaven|
|
|
|Awaits|
|
|
| You! |
|
|
'------'
|
|
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
/ \
|
|
/ A \
|
|
|TORMENTED|
|
|
| PIONEER |
|
|
| R.I.P. |
|
|
|_________|
|
|
GAME OVER
|
|
Here you lie dead,
|
|
You tried to outrun a runaway bed.
|
|
But you slipped and hit your head,
|
|
and now you body's forever in an underground bed!
|
|
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
|
|
🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
🐂 The only food you have left is an ox! 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 As you have no choice left, you promptly 🐂
|
|
🐂 kill it before it runs away, and it sure 🐂
|
|
🐂 was DELICIOUS!!! 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 ( OX'S VOICE ) 🐂
|
|
🐂 You're a sick, sick individual. You do 🐂
|
|
🐂 know that, right? First you BURDEN ME 🐂
|
|
🐂 WITH ALL YOUR RUBBISH and THEN YOU EAT ME?🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 I hope you remember you were starving me 🐂
|
|
🐂 to death so it's your fault you won't get 🐂
|
|
🐂 much sustenance from MURDERING YOUR 🐂
|
|
🐂 FAITHFUL SLAVE ANIMAL!!! Not that I had a 🐂
|
|
🐂 choice. 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 And YES, there's a place IN HELL FOR 🐂
|
|
🐂 MONSTERS LIKE YOU, AND YES YOUR TIME IS 🐂
|
|
🐂 FAST APPROACHING, YOU RUDDY UNFAITHFUL 🐂
|
|
🐂 LITTLE GIT. 🐂
|
|
🐂 😈😈😈 HE'S WAITING. 😈😈😈 🐂
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
|
|
|
|
❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌
|
|
🐂You have run out of oxen and must walk. Better🐂
|
|
❌buy more... IF YOU DIDN'T WASTE MORE MONEY ON ❌
|
|
🐂MORE SINFUL NIGHTS, like your red-headed 🐂
|
|
❌daughters told me last night, ASSUMING THEY ❌
|
|
🐂WEREN'T LYING TO ME. I bet they weren't. You 🐂
|
|
❌just can't help it can you? ❌
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
❌AND YES. A dirty mind IS a TERRIBLE thing to ❌
|
|
🐂waste BUT NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN US!! We're 🐂
|
|
❌JUST FRIENDS and they've been telling me ALL ❌
|
|
🐂ABOUT YOUR RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOUR. OK, it MIGHT 🐂
|
|
❌be in bed but they can't help themselves... ❌
|
|
🐂kind of like you. WHERE do you think they get 🐂
|
|
❌it from? But WE EXPRESS PASSION and YOU ARE AN❌
|
|
🐂EVIL MONSTER!!!!👹 Good luck hauling your 🐂
|
|
❌wagon! WE'RE TAKING A PLANE! ❌
|
|
🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂
|
|
|
|
You've lost too many limbs but you can die 🪦
|
|
happy 😊 knowing your family gets more free
|
|
food! 🍖🍖🍖🍖 Sure it's toxic food but it's
|
|
still food...
|
|
|
|
|
|
Food: %4ld Ammo: %4ld Clothing: %4ld
|
|
Oxen: %4ld Supplies: %4ld Money: %4ld
|
|
Health: %4ld Miles: %4ld
|
|
|
|
🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖
|
|
👶 ( SON'S VOICE ) 👶
|
|
🍖 🍖
|
|
👶 How you feeling about eating 👶
|
|
🍖 me? Eating your own son, NO 🍖
|
|
👶 WONDER she was having an affair 👶
|
|
🍖 before her untimely death! It 🍖
|
|
👶 was with YOUR SISTER AND HER 👶
|
|
🍖 HUSBAND. 🍖
|
|
👶 👶
|
|
🍖 OH NO. NO, NO, NO, NO!! Please 🍖
|
|
👶 don't tell me you ate her too. 👶
|
|
🍖 Wait. You didn't feed her to us,🍖
|
|
👶 did you? Ugh, you did, didn't 👶
|
|
🍖 you? You're a sick, sick person.🍖
|
|
👶 👶
|
|
🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖
|
|
|
|
😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈
|
|
👶 ( SON'S VOICE ) 👶
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
👶 How you feeling about 👶
|
|
😈 eating me? Eating your 😈
|
|
👶 own son, and you're 👶
|
|
😈 sick, too. 😈
|
|
👶 👶
|
|
😈 Probably food poisoning. 😈
|
|
👶 GOOD. SERVES YOU RIGHT. 👶
|
|
😈 Time to die. 😈
|
|
👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶
|
|
|
|
🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 ( OX'S VOICE ) 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 Still happy you ate me? How 🐂
|
|
🐂 many more miles do you have 🐂
|
|
🐂 to go? 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 YOU'RE COOKED and you know 🐂
|
|
🐂 it, you horrible, HORRIBLE 🐂
|
|
🐂 MONSTER. 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
|
|
|
|
Shooting when low on bullets. That's really
|
|
intelligent. NO WONDER you're starving.
|
|
|
|
|
|
You take lots of cash 💰 from the riders 🏇,
|
|
accidentally shooting one as he flees. But
|
|
since you're starving, why don't you MAKE
|
|
PENANCE BY NOT WASTING THE BODY?
|
|
|
|
🍖🥩🍔🥩🍔🍖
|
|
Mm...that was DELICIOUS!!!
|
|
|
|
(🪦👻RIDER'S SOBBING VOICE FROM THE GRAVE👻🪦)
|
|
|
|
You know what you did is wrong, right? We
|
|
were JUST ROBBED YESTERDAY, you rob us today
|
|
AND NOW I'M DEAD 👻!
|
|
|
|
WELL GOOD. I WAS DYING OF DYSENTERY and
|
|
now YOU get to SPREAD THE DISEASE as well.
|
|
|
|
Uh oh. A black cat just jumped out in front of you. Is the Devil calling you? Better
|
|
go have a look before it's too late. Maybe it already is. Your daughters told me
|
|
you're an ailurophobe! Some pretty wild stories I hear. I think it probably is too
|
|
late. Isn't it Friday the 13th?
|
|
|
|
Oh dear. That isn't the Barghest AGAIN is it? Better watch
|
|
your back! And front. And above you. Actually, YOU'RE DOOMED
|
|
and you know it. Your fate was sealed upon signing the Devil's
|
|
book. Honestly, what were you thinking? You HAD to have known it
|
|
always comes with a cost. And you and I BOTH KNOW that the women
|
|
were warning you - but you just HAD to have your way, didn't you?
|
|
|
|
Well the Oregon Trail is out to get you in every direction and
|
|
the odds are you won't make it out alive. You might be in good
|
|
company there, AND YOU AT LEAST GET TO SEE DINOSAURS ALIVE (LUCKY
|
|
YOU!!) BUT THERE'S NO AIR CONDITIONING and I heard it gets REALLY
|
|
HOT down there. Then again, I also heard there's no heater in
|
|
Heaven... Yup, either way YOU'RE DOOMED AND YOU KNOW IT! But don't
|
|
feel too bad. At least you won't FREEZE TO DEATH. You might here
|
|
though... Yup, FREEZE TO DEATH HERE and then BURN TO DEATH THERE!
|
|
|
|
|
|
💦💦💦
|
|
💦🐂💦
|
|
💦💦💦
|
|
|
|
Wagon train gets swamped fording river--lose food, clothes, an ox
|
|
drowns and you get hurt.
|
|
|
|
You have died of exhaustion. I'm SURE
|
|
your victims ARE MOURNING FOR YOUR FAMILY.
|
|
Assuming they're not too busy EATING YOU
|
|
🍕🍔🍟🥪🌯🌮🌭 WITH THEM. I KNOW FOR A
|
|
FACT your daughters LOVE meat and I'm
|
|
sure they're already devouring you!
|
|
Hopefully they'll save some for everyone
|
|
else; it'd be a REAL SHAME if your body
|
|
went to waste...or would it be?
|
|
|
|
...
|
|
|
|
😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈
|
|
🏥Doctor's bill is $666! HE MUST BE POSSESSED 🏥
|
|
😈BY BEELZEBUB! SURELY ONLY THE DEVIL would 😈
|
|
🏥do this. It's not like you've ever killed a 🏥
|
|
😈helpless animal or human, never robbed 😈
|
|
🏥anyone, never ate human flesh or done any 🏥
|
|
😈other heinous thing, never sinned ... 😈
|
|
🏥 🏥
|
|
😈NO. STOP LYING! YOU signed the Devil's book! 😈
|
|
🏥You should have listened to your Reverend 🏥
|
|
😈Samuel Parris way back in 1692. All these 😈
|
|
🏥wild, strange and bad happenings, since you 🏥
|
|
😈began your journey are ALL YOUR fault, EVEN 😈
|
|
🏥YOUR DAUGHTERS' WILD DANCING BY THE NIGHT 🏥
|
|
😈FIRES AS IF POSSESSED! Not that I'm going to 😈
|
|
🏥complain about THAT...Hell, THEY ASKED ME TO 🏥
|
|
😈JOIN THEM! 😈
|
|
🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥
|
|
|
|
🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️
|
|
🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️
|
|
Blizzard in mountains - you freeze to death.
|
|
|
|
🩳🩲👗👙
|
|
|
|
And with your choice in clothing, ARE YOU
|
|
REALLY SURPRISED? I mean SERIOUSLY mate,
|
|
shorts, briefs, A DRESS AND A BIKINI on the
|
|
Oregon Trail? What the hell were you thinking?
|
|
You're not in Hell, you're on the Oregon Trail!
|
|
|
|
Although...now I think on it...perhaps Hell WILL
|
|
serve you better? I hear the Summers are GREAT
|
|
there! Winters, not so much.
|
|
|
|
At least your family gets fresh meat on the bone,
|
|
assuming they can stomach eating a horrible
|
|
monster.
|
|
|
|
Looks like the Devil has poisoned you. Your lover,
|
|
she is waiting. TIME TO GO MEET HER!
|
|
|
|
🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖
|
|
🦖 A GROUP OF TYRANNOSAURUSES ATTACK! 🦖
|
|
🦖 🦖
|
|
🦖Unfortunately for you, you're in a time 🦖
|
|
🦖LONG BEFORE the brilliant mathematician 🦖
|
|
🦖Ian Malcolm informed us that DINOSAURS 🦖
|
|
🦖FIND A WAY TO KILL HUMANS. You should 🦖
|
|
🦖have thought of that BEFORE you STUPIDLY 🦖
|
|
🦖climbed into that Time Machine to travel 🦖
|
|
🦖back in time to the Oregon Trail, where 🦖
|
|
🦖you could not possibly know so many 🦖
|
|
🦖important things about dinosaurs... 🦖
|
|
🦖 🦖
|
|
🦖ALTHOUGH, now I think on it, that MIGHT 🦖
|
|
🦖not have been EXACTLY how it went... I 🦖
|
|
🦖THINK the correct wording was 'LIFE FINDS 🦖
|
|
🦖A WAY' but that's well over 100 years from🦖
|
|
🦖now and instead of life finding a way the 🦖
|
|
🦖Devil will find a way. To torment you. 🦖
|
|
🦖With more dinosaurs. And dragons. Yes 🦖
|
|
🦖they still exist. Oh and the Earth is 🦖
|
|
🦖flat too... 🦖
|
|
🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖
|
|
|
|
One of the daughters cut her arm and it had to be amputated.
|
|
THANK GOD she is not DOWN IN THE MOUTH AND SHE WANTS TO EAT IT
|
|
BECAUSE YOU ARE SUDDENLY STARVING!!!
|
|
|
|
But OF COURSE you didn't get any. If you weren't eyeing it so
|
|
lustily you would have seen that she seemed to ESPECIALLY ENJOY
|
|
IT, GREEDILY DEVOURING IT AS IF IT WAS HER LAST SUPPER! Wait,
|
|
HAS THE DEVIL POSSESSED HER TOO?! THAT EVIL WITCH!!! 🧙🧙🧙
|
|
|
|
Hang on. YOU'RE JUDGING HER AFTER ALL YOU'VE DONE? CUT THAT OUT
|
|
RIGHT NOW! NO. NO! NO! NO! STOP! I DID NOT MEAN CUT ANOTHER LIMB
|
|
OFF HER! YES I KNOW I got some and you didn't. And yes it was
|
|
DELICIOUS! But she wanted me to remember it before it was all gone,
|
|
not you. Eat your own arm if you must. No. I meant stop accusing
|
|
her of witchcraft. YOU signed the Devil's book, NOT HER and it
|
|
WAS her body! This is ALL YOUR FAULT, JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE
|
|
that's happened since that fateful night!
|
|
|
|
🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
|
|
🐂 An ox looks at you funny so you eat 🐂
|
|
🐂 him! 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 You're a sick, sick individual. You do 🐂
|
|
🐂 know that, right? FIRST you BURDEN HIM 🐂
|
|
🐂 WITH ALL YOUR RUBBISH and THEN YOU EAT 🐂
|
|
🐂 HIM BECAUSE OF A FUNNY LOOK? And YOU 🐂
|
|
🐂 DIDN'T EVEN SHARE HIM WITH YOUR FAMILY!🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 What next, will you eat your daughter 🐂
|
|
🐂 too? No! NO! NO NO NO NO! I SHOULD NOT 🐂
|
|
🐂 HAVE SAID THAT! NO! DON'T EVEN THINK 🐂
|
|
🐂 ABOUT TOUCHING HER! BACK OFF!! 🐂
|
|
🐂 SHE'S MINE!!! 🐂
|
|
🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
|
|
|
|
👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻 👻
|
|
👻 A little ghost floats by 👻
|
|
👻 and shouts: 👻
|
|
👻 👻
|
|
👻 BOO!!!! 👻
|
|
👻 👻
|
|
👻 Okay that was NOT funny, 👻
|
|
👻 Casper! Go back to your 👻
|
|
👻 shallow grave, you LITTLE 👻
|
|
👻 JERK! 👻
|
|
👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻 👻
|
|
|
|
🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺
|
|
🥄Suddenly...the hairs on your neck stand up. 🥄
|
|
🐺ARE YOU ACTUALLY A WEREWOLF? You do know that 🐺
|
|
🥄there are silver spoons in your daughters' 🥄
|
|
🐺wagon, right? 🐺
|
|
🥄 🥄
|
|
🐺Better run for your life or howl to scare 🐺
|
|
🥄them off before it's too late, because 🥄
|
|
🐺they told me that they HATE wolves and 🐺
|
|
🥄THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR DEVIL WORSHIPPING!!🥄
|
|
🐺 🐺
|
|
🥄Oh and yes. Spoons CAN stab you in the heart. 🥄
|
|
🐺If you don't believe me...try it. Assuming 🐺
|
|
🥄you have a heart in the first place... 🥄
|
|
🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺
|
|
|
|
🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛
|
|
🐺 I JUST HATE VAMPIRES! Don't you? If they had 🐺
|
|
🥄 it their way THERE WOULD BE NO SUN! Can you 🥄
|
|
🧛 imagine how HORRIBLE that would be?! 🧛
|
|
🐺 🐺
|
|
🥄 Wait. You mean to tell me...you want ETERNAL 🥄
|
|
🧛 Sun and NO Moon?! Only ONE reason for that! 🧛
|
|
🐺 You MUST be a...WEREWOLF! I KNEW IT! Better 🐺
|
|
🥄 watch your heart. If you have one. Your 🥄
|
|
🧛 daughters have SILVER SPOONS and they're FED 🧛
|
|
🐺 UP WITH YOUR ANTICS! 🐺
|
|
🥄 🥄
|
|
🧛 On the other blade...IT IS VERY HOT don't 🧛
|
|
🐺 you think? Almost as if it's foreshadowing 🐺
|
|
🥄 what's to come! MAYBE WE SHOULD GET RID OF 🥄
|
|
🧛 FIRE TOO! I mean you're in extreme danger of 🧛
|
|
🐺 that too! THEN WE CAN DROWN you so you can 🐺
|
|
🥄 BURN IN HELL!!! And if that doesn't work, 🥄
|
|
🧛 we can behead you with the SPOONS!! 🧛
|
|
🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺
|
|
|
|
🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔
|
|
🍟Uh oh. THERE'S ANOTHER ELF! You must be 🍟
|
|
🍔losing your mind my friend! ELVES DON'T 🍔
|
|
🍟EXIST, unless you ask a German. They can't 🍟
|
|
🍔even count to 11 without claiming there are 🍔
|
|
🍟elves! Neun, zehn, Elf ... I guess I might 🍟
|
|
🍔be losing my mind too! BETTER SHOOT THE ELF 🍔
|
|
🍟BEFORE IT TAKES YOUR DAUGHTERS AWAY AND EATS 🍟
|
|
🍔THEM! You might need them for food later on, 🍔
|
|
🍟you HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MONSTER. They are 🍟
|
|
🍔HEAVENLY WOMEN AND ARE NOT FOR EVIL DEVIL 🍔
|
|
🍟WORSHIPPERS to eat! NO. NOT FOR ME EITHER! 🍟
|
|
🍔STOP GOING THERE YOU SICKO! THEY ARE NOT FOOD 🍔
|
|
🍟AND YOU CANNOT GO TO HEAVEN, YOU DEVIL 🍟
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🍔WORSHIPPING MONSTER! CUT IT OUT. NO! NOT THEM!🍔
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🍟STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!! 🍟
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🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔
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🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄
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🦄 About 100 feet from here YOU SWEAR 🦄
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🦄 YOU SEE AN OX STUCK IN A HOLE. THANK 🦄
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🦄 GOD IT'S NOT A DONKEY! You KNOW what 🦄
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🦄 that would make!! There are enough 🦄
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🦄 here already! NO! Don't look at me! 🦄
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🦄 I DON'T MEAN THAT, YOU LITTLE JERK!! 🦄
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🦄 🦄
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🦄 But OF COURSE YOU'RE JUST HALLUCINATING🦄
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🦄 anyway. IT'S NOT AN OX. You need to lay🦄
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🦄 off the mushrooms. Actually YOU NEED TO🦄
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🦄 LAY OFF A LOT of things; you've made 🦄
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🦄 that VERY CLEAR WITH YOUR UNHINGED 🦄
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🦄 BEHAVIOUR! 🦄
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🦄 🦄
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🦄 IT'S OBVIOUS YOU SEE A UNICORN!!!! 🦄
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🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄
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~~~~~~
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/ 🍝🍝🍝 \
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/ 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝 \
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/ 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝 \
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| 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝|
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\ ||| ||| /
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\ ||||| /
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\ ||| /
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\__________/
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|| ||
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|| ||
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__||__||__
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WOW!!!! THAT'S A SPAGHETTI TREE!!! I saw them over 100 years from now when I last
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used my Time Machine!! The BBC will cultivate them on April Fool's Day 19579!
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THEY'RE AMAZING!! The Time Machines are okay and kind of interesting. Dangerous
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though...
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But the spaghetti looks pretty ominous, doesn't it? IT LOOKS LIKE IT WANTS TO REACH
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DOWN AND GRAB YOU! Better be careful. If they strangle you YOU WILL GO TO HELL! On the plus
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side... YOU'LL HAVE THE MOST AMAZING STORY to tell your fellow sinners... Trust me. I've
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been there on holiday! It's PRETTY WILD!! Summers are AMAZINGLY HOT!! Although...GETTING
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EATEN BY A DRAGON OR KILLED BY TYRANNOSAURUSES is an EVEN BETTER STORY! That's MUCH MORE
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EXCITING than a SPAGHETTI TREE KILLING YOU!! Although...now I think on it...they're ALSO
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in Hell so maybe it's better if the spaghetti kills you. Want me to strangle you with it if
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it doesn't do it? Of course...the trees are there too...LOTS of parties too. And good old
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TORTURE! IT'S AWESOME!
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🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣
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🐂 Uh oh. ONE OF THE OXEN JUST KICKED 🐂
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🛁 A BUCKET. Is it going to die next? 🛁
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🪣 Or...is it foreshadowing your own 🪣
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🐂 death? Let's face it. You have it 🐂
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🛁 coming to you. Better throw the ox 🛁
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🪣 out with the bathwater before it's 🪣
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🐂 too late. Oh and don't try telling 🐂
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🛁 me you don't have any oxen left, 🛁
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🪣 if you can even count! It kicked 🪣
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🐂 the bucket SO OF COURSE IT DOESN'T 🐂
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🛁 EXIST!! 🛁
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🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣
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😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
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😈 Uh oh! Is that the DEVIL I see in 😈
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😈 your mirror again? Or are YOU looking😈
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😈 at it from behind your dressing 😈
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😈 curtain? 😈
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😈 😈
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😈 BETTER BREAK IT BEFORE IT'S TOO 😈
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😈 LATE!!! Yes, YES, I KNOW IT'S BAD 😈
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😈 LUCK TO BREAK A MIRROR!! But ask 😈
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😈 yourself this: what's worse, seeing 😈
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😈 yourself in the Devil's mirror OR 😈
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😈 simply having bad luck for 7 long 😈
|
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😈 years? Let's be honest. You're NOT 😈
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😈 going to make it that long anyway! 😈
|
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😈 Why not just give your mind some 😈
|
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😈 peace and die in an unknown way? Much😈
|
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😈 less scarier AND IF YOU DON'T BREAK 😈
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😈 IT I WILL! I don't want to see the 😈
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😈 Devil in your mirror! OH HELL! NOT 😈
|
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😈 AGAIN! I MEAN I DON'T WANT TO SEE 😈
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😈 YOU IN THE DEVIL'S MIRROR!!! 😈
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😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
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