Cody Boone Ferguson
b14eff4658
The makedata.sh was not +x. Rebuilt data files with a typo that was discovered after the contest closed.
1912 lines
83 KiB
Plaintext
1912 lines
83 KiB
Plaintext
<1>
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This program simulates a trip over the Oregon Trail from Independence, Missouri
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to Oregon City. Your extended family will attempt the 2170 mile Oregon Trail in
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5-6 months. You had $6666 for the trip but after foolishly wasting thousands on
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a sinful night yesterday and paying $200 for a wagon train, you only have an
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ominous $1666. You may buy the following items, or not, if you trust the Devil
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to be faithful to your pact:
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Food - the more you have, the less chance you'll starve to
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death, which would serve you right.
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Ammunition - $1 only buys 5 bullets due to recent hoarding.
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You will need lots of bullets for self defence
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and for hunting food, assuming you don't miss.
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Clothing - this is especially important for the cold weather
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you will encounter when crossing the mountains, if you
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get there.
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Oxen - the more you spend the better off you'll be, assuming
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they don't die. Or you don't sacrifice them.
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Miscellaneous supplies - this includes medicine and other
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things you'll need.
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You can spend all your money before you start your trip or you can save some of
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your cash to spend at forts along the way when you run low on supplies.
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Alternatively, you might wish to spend it all as you'll probably just find
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money along the way. You can also go hunting along the way to get more food,
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assuming you're not such a lousy shot as to be unable to hit a helpless animal
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from a cowardly distance.
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At each turn, all items are shown in dollar amounts except bullets. When asked
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to enter money amounts, don't use a $.
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Good luck, because the Devil's not going to help out!!! Or...will he?
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<2>
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%u
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<3>
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%ld
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<4>
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🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
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🪦 / \ 🪦
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🪦 / A \ 🪦
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🪦 |TORMENTED| 🪦
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🪦 | MONSTER | 🪦
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🪦 | R.I.P. | 🪦
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🪦 |_________| 🪦
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🪦 GAME OVER 🪦
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🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
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🔥 Unfortunately, due to what can only be an ADMINISTRATIVE FOUL-UP, 🔥
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🔥 you end up somewhere you did not expect as your forever home. But 🔥
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🔥 honestly, after signing the Devil's book, DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE 🔥
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🔥 YOU DON'T BELONG HERE? Be honest. For once. You know you belong 🔥
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🔥 here. Oh, by the way, god asked me to wish you a PROSPEROUS LIFE 🔥
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🔥 ahead... 🔥
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🔥 😈😈😈 WELCOME TO HELL!! 😈😈😈 🔥
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🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
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<5>
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🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈 🪰
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🍝Not again. Are you REALLY going to tell me about the Flying Spaghetti 🍝
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😈Monster AGAIN? I've had ENOUGH of your FAIRY-TALE DELUSIONS! YOU'VE 😈
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🪰TOLD ME HE IS INVISIBLE SO HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU EVEN KNOW HE 🪰
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🍝EXISTS? 🍝
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😈 😈
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🪰What next, are you going to tell me that between Earth and Mars there 🪰
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🍝is a china teapot revolving about the Sun in an elliptical orbit? Let 🍝
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😈me guess! It's so small that even the James Webb telescope that was 😈
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🪰launched almost 200 years from now can't even see it, right? What a 🪰
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🍝load of ABSOLUTE RUBBISH! If your daughters were not here I WOULD 🍝
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😈TOTALLY BE ABUSING LALOCHEZIA AT YOU RIGHT NOW! BUGGER ME THAT THEY 😈
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🪰ARE! 🪰
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🍝 🍝
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😈If the Flying Spaghetti Monster ACTUALLY existed, he'd eat you for 😈
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🪰lunch for blasphemy. Hell, keep this up and I'LL eat you. I'M STARVING!🪰
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🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰🍝😈🪰 🍝
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<6>
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How much do you want to spend on food?
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<7>
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How much do you want to spend on ammunition?
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<8>
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How much do you want to spend on clothing?
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<9>
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How much do you want to spend on oxen?
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<10>
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How much do you want to spend on miscellaneous supplies?
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<11>
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Food: %4ld Ammo: %4ld Clothing: %4ld
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Oxen: %4ld Supplies: %4ld Money: %4ld
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Health: %4ld Miles: %4ld
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<12>
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After all your purchases, you now have $%ld left...
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Seriously, YOU WASTED YOUR MONEY LIKE THAT?
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<13>
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💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈
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😈 Mild illness. Medicine used. Not sure why though. IT WAS ONLY A 💊
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💊 SNIFFLE. Probably just the Devil TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM YOUR CURSED 😈
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😈 NOSTRILS. In the future THEY BLESS PEOPLE FOR SNEEZING. You can 💊
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💊 die happy knowing you started a thing. Even if your death will 😈
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😈 bring you EVERLASTING TORMENT. 💊
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💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈
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<14>
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Value must be a positive number no larger than 666. Or 0. If you trust the
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Devil.
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<15>
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🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂
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❌You have run out of oxen and must walk. Better buy more... IF YOU DIDN'T ❌
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💋WASTE MORE MONEY ON MORE SINFUL NIGHTS, like your red-headed daughters told 💋
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🐂me last night, assuming they weren't LYING to me. 🐂
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❌ ❌
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💋AND YES. A dirty mind IS a TERRIBLE thing to waste BUT NOTHING HAPPENED 💋
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🐂BETWEEN US!! We're JUST FRIENDS and they've been telling me ALL ABOUT YOUR 🐂
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❌RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOUR. OK, it MIGHT be in bed with them but they can't help ❌
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💋themselves...kind of like you. WHERE do you think they got it from? 💋
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🐂Besides, if YOU KNOW THE DEVIL in the biblical sense WHY SHOULDN'T WE? We 🐂
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❌EXPRESS PASSION and YOU ARE AN EVIL MONSTER!!!!👹 Good luck hauling your ❌
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💋your wagon! WE'RE TAKING A PLANE!! 💋
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🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂❌💋🐂
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<16>
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Shooting when low on bullets. That's really intelligent. NO WONDER you're
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starving.
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<17>
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As you overindulge in a huge platter of spaghetti, it suddenly begins to
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strangle you to death.
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You gasp for air, reaching out to the Devil for help! In vain. She's already
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here cackling like the monster you are, just WAITING FOR YOU.
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Your time has come my friend. But didn't you want to know her better anyway?
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Better go fulfil your promise! SHE WANTS YOU RIGHT NOW! 💋
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<18>
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
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🐂 The only food you have left is an ox! 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 As you have no choice left, you promptly 🐂
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🐂 kill it before it runs away, and it sure 🐂
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🐂 was DELICIOUS!!! 🐂
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🐂 ( OX'S VOICE ) 🐂
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🐂 You're a sick, sick individual. You do 🐂
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🐂 know that, right? First you BURDEN ME 🐂
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🐂 WITH ALL YOUR RUBBISH and THEN YOU EAT ME?🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 I hope you remember you were starving me 🐂
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🐂 to death so it's your fault you won't get 🐂
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🐂 much sustenance from MURDERING YOUR 🐂
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🐂 FAITHFUL SLAVE ANIMAL!!! Not that I had a 🐂
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🐂 choice. 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 And YES, there's a place IN HELL FOR 🐂
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🐂 MONSTERS LIKE YOU, AND YES YOUR TIME IS 🐂
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🐂 FAST APPROACHING, YOU RUDDY UNFAITHFUL 🐂
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🐂 LITTLE GIT. 🐂
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🐂 😈😈😈 HE'S WAITING. 😈😈😈 🐂
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🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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<19>
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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🐂 An ox looks at you funny so you eat him! 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 You're a sick, sick individual. You do know that,🐂
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🐂 right? FIRST you BURDEN HIM WITH ALL YOUR RUBBISH🐂
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🐂 and THEN YOU EAT HIM BECAUSE OF A FUNNY LOOK? And🐂
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🐂 YOU DIDN'T EVEN SHARE HIM WITH YOUR FAMILY! 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 What next, will you eat your daughter too? No! 🐂
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🐂 NO! NO NO NO NO! I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT! NO!🐂
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🐂 DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING HER! BACK OFF!! 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 SHE'S MINE!!! 🐂
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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<20>
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One of the daughters cut her arm and it had to be amputated. THANK GOD she is
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not DOWN IN THE MOUTH AND SHE WANTS TO EAT IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SUDDENLY
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STARVING!!!
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But OF COURSE you didn't get any. If you weren't eyeing it so lustily you would
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have seen that she seemed to ESPECIALLY ENJOY IT, GREEDILY DEVOURING IT AS IF
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IT WAS HER LAST SUPPER! Wait, HAS THE DEVIL POSSESSED HER TOO?! THAT EVIL
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WITCH!!! 🧙🧙🧙
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Hang on. YOU'RE JUDGING HER AFTER ALL YOU'VE DONE? CUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW! NO.
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NO! NO! NO! STOP! I DID NOT MEAN CUT ANOTHER LIMB OFF HER! YES I KNOW I got
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some and you didn't. And yes it was DELICIOUS! But she wanted me to remember it
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before it was all gone, not you. Eat your own arm if you must. No. I meant stop
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accusing her of witchcraft. YOU signed the Devil's book, NOT HER and it WAS her
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body! This is ALL YOUR FAULT, JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE that's happened since
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that fateful night!
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<21>
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Wagon train damaged! Lost time time resupplying from the Devil.
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<22>
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Suddenly your clocks stop...
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I guess it must have happened AGAIN! And WHY THE DEVIL DO YOU KEEP SWIMMING IN
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THE MOLASSES RIVER?! Honestly, you'll be lucky if you don't SINK IN IT before
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it sinks into your stick-in-the-molasses head.
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<23>
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⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️
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You made it safely through South Pass--no snow. Clearly the Devil has your
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back. For now my dear fiend, for now...
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He might be plotting against you. Oh hell. I KNOW HE IS. HE TOLD ME HE IS.
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Your time is coming AND THE DEVIL AND I BOTH CANNOT WAIT! Neither can your
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daughters. They told me last night in the wagon. YES. I KNOW THEM.
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⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️
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<24>
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🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
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🪦 All you had was mouldy bread,🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 Therefore here you must lie. 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 Because now you're dead. 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦 GOODBYE! 🪦
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🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
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<25>
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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🐂 ( OX'S VOICE ) 🐂
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🐂 Still happy you ate me? How many more miles do you have 🐂
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🐂 to go? 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 YOU'RE COOKED and you know it, you horrible, HORRIBLE MONSTER. 🐂
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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<26>
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👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻
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👻 A little ghost floats by and shouts: BOO!!!! 👻
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👻 👻
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👻 Okay that was NOT funny, Casper! Go back to 👻
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👻 your shallow grave, you LITTLE JERK! 👻
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👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻
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<27>
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___🔥🔥🔥___
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/ 🔥🔥🔥 \
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|🔥 WAGON 🔥
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🔥🔥🔥 |___🔥🔥🔥___🔥🔥🔥
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🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥O 🔥🔥🔥 O🔥🔥
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🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
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🪦A fire breaks out in your wagon, and the wind quickly 🪦
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🪦fans the flames, CAUSING YOUR AMMO TO BLOW UP, killing🪦
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🪦you! Somehow everyone else survived... 🪦
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🪦 🪦
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🪦Frankly, IT WAS ABOUT TIME. I mean WHAT KIND OF IDIOT 🪦
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🪦overloads their wagon with WEAPONS? 🪦
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🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
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<28>
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Uh oh. A black cat just jumped out in front of you. Is the Devil calling you?
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Better go have a look before it's too late. Maybe it already is. Your daughters
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told me you're an ailurophobe! Some pretty wild stories I hear. I think it
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probably is too late. Isn't it Friday the 13th?
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<29>
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You take lots of cash 💰 from the riders 🏇, accidentally stabbing one as he
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flees. But since you're starving, why don't you MAKE PENANCE BY NOT WASTING THE
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BODY YOU RUDELY CUT OPEN?
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🍖🥩🍔🥩🍔🍖
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Mm...that was DELICIOUS!!!
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(🪦👻RIDER'S SOBBING VOICE FROM THE GRAVE👻🪦)
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You know what you did is wrong, right? We were JUST ROBBED YESTERDAY, you rob
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us today AND NOW I'M DEAD 👻!
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WELL GOOD. I WAS DYING OF DYSENTERY and now YOU get to SPREAD THE DISEASE as
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well.
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<30>
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~~~~~~
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/ 🍝🍝🍝 \
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/ 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝 \
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/ 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝 \
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| 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝|
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\ ||| ||| /
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\ ||||| /
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\ ||| /
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\__________/
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|| ||
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|| ||
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__||__||__
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WOW!!!! THAT'S A SPAGHETTI TREE!!! I saw them over 100 years from now when I
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last used my Time Machine!! The BBC will cultivate them on April Fool's Day
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1957!! THEY'RE AMAZING!! The Time Machines are okay and kind of interesting.
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Dangerous though...
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But the spaghetti looks pretty ominous, doesn't it? IT LOOKS LIKE IT WANTS TO
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REACH DOWN AND GRAB YOU! Better be careful. If they strangle you YOU WILL GO TO
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HELL! On the plus side... YOU'LL HAVE THE MOST AMAZING STORY to tell your
|
|
fellow sinners... Trust me. I've been there on holiday! It's PRETTY WILD!!
|
|
Summers are AMAZINGLY HOT!! Although...GETTING EATEN BY A DRAGON OR KILLED BY
|
|
TYRANNOSAURUSES is an EVEN BETTER STORY! That's MUCH MORE EXCITING than a
|
|
SPAGHETTI TREE KILLING YOU!! Although...now I think on it...they're ALSO in
|
|
Hell so maybe it's better if the spaghetti kills you. Want me to strangle you
|
|
with it if it doesn't do it? Of course...the trees are there too...LOTS of
|
|
parties too. And good old TORTURE! IT'S AWESOME!
|
|
|
|
<31>
|
|
|
|
😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
|
|
😈 Uh oh! Is that the DEVIL I see in your mirror again? Or are YOU looking at 😈
|
|
😈 it from behind your dressing curtain? 😈
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
😈 BETTER BREAK IT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!! Yes, YES, I KNOW IT'S BAD LUCK TO 😈
|
|
😈 BREAK A MIRROR!! But ask yourself this: what's worse, seeing yourself in 😈
|
|
😈 the Devil's mirror OR simply having bad luck for 7 long years? Let's be 😈
|
|
😈 honest. You're NOT going to make it that long anyway! Why not just give 😈
|
|
😈 your mind some peace and die in an unknown way? Much less scarier AND IF 😈
|
|
😈 YOU DON'T BREAK IT I WILL! I don't want to see the Devil in your mirror! OH😈
|
|
😈 HELL! NOT AGAIN! I MEAN I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU IN THE DEVIL'S MIRROR!!! 😈
|
|
😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
|
|
|
|
<32>
|
|
|
|
🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣
|
|
🐂 Uh oh. ONE OF THE OXEN JUST KICKED A BUCKET. Is it going to die next? 🐂
|
|
🛁 Or...is it foreshadowing your own death? Let's face it. You have it coming 🛁
|
|
🪣 to you. Better throw the ox out with the bathwater before it's too late. Oh🪣
|
|
🐂 and don't try telling me you don't have any oxen left, if you can even 🐂
|
|
🛁 count! It kicked the bucket SO OF COURSE IT DOESN'T EXIST!! 🛁
|
|
🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🪣
|
|
|
|
<33>
|
|
|
|
🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖
|
|
🦖 A GROUP OF TYRANNOSAURUSES ATTACK! 🦖
|
|
🦖 🦖
|
|
🦖Unfortunately for you, you're in a time LONG BEFORE the brilliant 🦖
|
|
🦖mathematician Ian Malcolm informed us that DINOSAURS FIND A WAY TO KILL 🦖
|
|
🦖HUMANS. You should have thought of that BEFORE you STUPIDLY climbed into 🦖
|
|
🦖that Time Machine to travel back in time to the Oregon Trail, where you 🦖
|
|
🦖could not possibly know so many important things about dinosaurs... 🦖
|
|
🦖 🦖
|
|
🦖ALTHOUGH, now I think on it, that MIGHT not have been EXACTLY how it went... 🦖
|
|
🦖I THINK the correct wording was 'LIFE FINDS A WAY' but that's well over 100 🦖
|
|
🦖years from now and instead of life finding a way the Devil will find a way. 🦖
|
|
🦖To torment you. With more dinosaurs. And dragons. Yes they still exist. Oh 🦖
|
|
🦖and the Earth is flat too... 🦖
|
|
🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖
|
|
|
|
<34>
|
|
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
/ \
|
|
/ A \
|
|
|TORMENTED|
|
|
| PIONEER |
|
|
| R.I.P. |
|
|
|_________|
|
|
GAME OVER
|
|
Here you lie dead,
|
|
You tried to outrun a runaway bed.
|
|
But you slipped and hit your head,
|
|
and now you body's forever in an underground bed!
|
|
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
|
|
<35>
|
|
|
|
🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️
|
|
🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️
|
|
|
|
Blizzard in mountain pass--time wasted asking Devil for help restocking.
|
|
|
|
Unfortunately, the unfaithful monster only gives you ONE MEASLY BULLET. Like
|
|
that's going to help his most faithful lieutenant? Oh but are you faithful?
|
|
|
|
Perhaps you should have used a mountain cable car 🚠, rather than relying on
|
|
the Devil! It's pretty funny you didn't know he was unfaithful and yet expects
|
|
complete loyalty. Or else. HE'S COMING.
|
|
|
|
<36>
|
|
|
|
You have been on the trail too long and you die of boredom.
|
|
|
|
You know you're lucky to have made it this long. Frankly with your behaviour
|
|
I'm surprised you didn't die from a sinful disease much earlier. Or drowning in
|
|
molasses. Or freezing to death with your choice in clothing.
|
|
🩳🩲👗👙🩳🩲👗👙🩳🩲👗👙
|
|
SERIOUSLY mate, you brought shorts, briefs, A DRESS AND A BIKINI on the Oregon
|
|
Trail? What the hell were you thinking? Actually though...now I think on
|
|
it...perhaps Hell WILL serve you better? I hear the Summers are AMAZING there!
|
|
Winters, not so much.
|
|
|
|
At least your family gets free food now, assuming monsters are edible. I'm not
|
|
sure if they are. I suspect they would be poisoned or die from your hot,
|
|
burning flesh.
|
|
|
|
<37>
|
|
|
|
You'd better do some hunting or buy food soon, before you starve
|
|
to death! Or don't. Let's face it. You'd deserve it.
|
|
|
|
<38>
|
|
|
|
😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈
|
|
🏥Doctor's bill is $666 and you can't afford it DUE TO ALL YOUR RECKLESS 🏥
|
|
😈SPENDING! HE MUST BE POSSESSED BY BEELZEBUB! SURELY ONLY THE DEVIL would do 😈
|
|
🏥this. It's not like you've ever killed a helpless animal or human, never 🏥
|
|
😈robbed anyone, never ate human flesh or done any other heinous thing, never 😈
|
|
🏥sinned ... 🏥
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
🏥NO. STOP LYING! YOU signed the Devil's book! You should have listened to your 🏥
|
|
😈Reverend Samuel Parris way back in 1692. All these wild, strange and bad 😈
|
|
🏥happenings, since you began your journey are ALL YOUR fault, EVEN YOUR 🏥
|
|
😈DAUGHTERS' WILD DANCING BY THE NIGHT FIRES AS IF POSSESSED! Not that I'm going😈
|
|
🏥to complain about THAT...Hell, THEY ASKED ME TO JOIN THEM! 🏥
|
|
😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈
|
|
|
|
<39>
|
|
|
|
🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖
|
|
👶 ( SON'S VOICE ) 👶
|
|
🍖 🍖
|
|
👶How you feeling about eating me? Eating your own son, NO WONDER she was 👶
|
|
🍖having an affair before her untimely death! It was with YOUR SISTER AND HER 🍖
|
|
👶HUSBAND. 👶
|
|
🍖 🍖
|
|
👶OH NO. NO, NO, NO, NO!! Please don't tell me you ate her too. Wait. You 👶
|
|
🍖didn't feed her to us, did you? Ugh, you did, didn't you? You're a sick, sick 🍖
|
|
👶person. 👶
|
|
🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖
|
|
|
|
|
|
<40>
|
|
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
You have died of dysentery.
|
|
CONGRATULATIONS ON REACHING
|
|
LEGENDARY STATUS!
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
|
|
<41>
|
|
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸 YOU HAVE DIED OF INJURIES! 🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
|
|
Better than diarrhoea though, right?
|
|
|
|
Frankly, it serves you right. If you hadn't wasted all that time and money
|
|
sinning you MIGHT have made it. But I guess there's no real difference; after
|
|
all, none of us really make it out alive, do we? Well off you go then! HEAVEN
|
|
AWAITS!! Or does it?
|
|
|
|
<42>
|
|
|
|
Do you want to (1) stop at the next fort 🏰, (2) hunt 📸 or (3) continue?
|
|
<43>
|
|
|
|
Do you want to (1) hunt 📸 or (2) continue?
|
|
<44>
|
|
|
|
You need more bullets to go hunting. Or -- do you?
|
|
|
|
<45>
|
|
|
|
You have died of exhaustion. I'm SURE your victims ARE MOURNING FOR YOUR
|
|
FAMILY. Assuming they're not too busy EATING YOU 🍕🍔🍟🥪🌯🌮🌭 WITH THEM. I
|
|
KNOW FOR A FACT your daughters LOVE meat and I'm sure they're already devouring
|
|
you! Hopefully they'll save some for everyone else this time; it'd be a REAL
|
|
SHAME if your body went to waste...or would it be?
|
|
|
|
<46>
|
|
|
|
💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰❌💋
|
|
❌DON'T BE ABSURD! You don't have that kind of money. ❌
|
|
💰In fact, one of your daughters told me JUST LAST 💰
|
|
💋NIGHT that ONCE AGAIN you had a delightfully sinful 💋
|
|
❌night! NO! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING! NOTHING ❌
|
|
💰HAPPENED BETWEEN US! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, YOU 💰
|
|
💋FILTHY SINNER! 💋
|
|
❌ ❌
|
|
💰Hmm...although...now I think on it, I'm starting 💰
|
|
💋to wonder... OH HELL! NO NO NO! What if she seduced 💋
|
|
❌me and we DID DO something? That would be AWFUL, ❌
|
|
💰JUDGING YOU WHILE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ONE OF THE 💰
|
|
💋WOMEN! Still sure WE'D NEVER SIGN THE DEVIL'S BOOK! 💋
|
|
❌ ❌
|
|
💰Although...I don't really remember WHAT we did last 💰
|
|
💋night... ANYWAY, KEEP US OUT OF IT YOU MONSTER! 💋
|
|
❌ ❌
|
|
💰The book has a cost and money doesn't grow on trees. 💰
|
|
💋Perhaps it might grow on horns though? Ask the Devil 💋
|
|
❌for help. Assuming he helps MONSTERS. ❌
|
|
💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋❌💰💋
|
|
|
|
<47>
|
|
|
|
You FINALLY arrived at Oregon City after 2170 long miles!
|
|
|
|
TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH. Probably all your sinful detours I've heard so much about
|
|
but you'd think that the Devil would have helped you out on that. But I guess
|
|
as long as you make it to your final destination that's what matters, right?
|
|
|
|
Oh, right. Almost forgot! President Jesse James asked me to wish you a
|
|
prosperous life ahead of you...in HELL!
|
|
|
|
<48>
|
|
|
|
🔥🌨️🔥🌨️🔥🌨️🔥🌨️🔥🌨️🔥🌨️🔥
|
|
Phantom blizzard from Hell suddenly hits and you freeze to death, leaving
|
|
everyone behind. You know the Devil 😈 is calling you, right?
|
|
🩳🩲👗👙
|
|
And with your choice in clothing, ARE YOU REALLY SURPRISED YOU FROZE TO DEATH?
|
|
I mean SERIOUSLY mate, shorts, briefs, A DRESS AND A BIKINI on the Oregon
|
|
Trail? What the hell were you thinking? You're not in Hell, you're on the
|
|
Oregon Trail!
|
|
|
|
Although...now I think on it...perhaps Hell WILL serve you better? I hear the
|
|
Summers are GREAT there! Lots of parties. Winters are -- actually, there are no
|
|
winters. ONLY WEATHER TO BURN YOU FOR ETERNITY.
|
|
|
|
At least your family gets fresh meat on the bone, assuming they can stomach
|
|
eating a horrible monster. If I were them I'D BURN YOUR BODY.
|
|
|
|
<49>
|
|
|
|
🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔
|
|
🍟Uh oh. THERE'S ANOTHER ELF! You must be 🍟
|
|
🍔losing your mind my friend! ELVES DON'T 🍔
|
|
🍟EXIST, unless you ask a German. They can't 🍟
|
|
🍔even count to 11 without claiming there are 🍔
|
|
🍟elves! Neun, zehn, Elf ... I guess I might 🍟
|
|
🍔be losing my mind too! BETTER SHOOT THE ELF 🍔
|
|
🍟BEFORE IT TAKES YOUR DAUGHTERS AWAY AND EATS 🍟
|
|
🍔THEM! You might need them for food later on, 🍔
|
|
🍟you HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MONSTER. They are 🍟
|
|
🍔heavenly women and are not for evil Devil 🍔
|
|
🍟worshippers to eat! NO. NOT FOR ME EITHER! 🍟
|
|
🍔Stop going there you sicko! They are NOT food 🍔
|
|
🍟and YOU CANNOT GO TO HEAVEN, YOU DEVIL 🍟
|
|
🍔WORSHIPPING MONSTER! Cut it out. NO! NOT THEM!🍔
|
|
🍟STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!! 🍟
|
|
🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔
|
|
|
|
<50>
|
|
|
|
You need more bullets to go hunting. Or..do you?
|
|
|
|
<51>
|
|
|
|
You shot a Bald Eagle 🦅. WHY, monster, WHY?!
|
|
|
|
I mean look at its former strength, its majesty! No wonder it became the symbol
|
|
of America!
|
|
|
|
GREAT JOB Devil worshipping pioneer, you just killed America! I hope it's
|
|
poisoned or you at least choke on the bones.
|
|
|
|
<52>
|
|
|
|
🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃
|
|
Great shot! YOU GOT THE FATTEST ONE THERE! As if that should be hard. IT COULD
|
|
BARELY MOVE! But with your WILD SHOOTING AND HORRIBLE AIM the ONLY REASON you
|
|
didn't miss by a hundred miles is you signed the Devil's book, EVEN THOUGH IT
|
|
WAS AS WIDE AS A BLUE WHALE. There's no way you'd have got such a nice shot
|
|
EVEN IF THE POOR BEAST WAS PRACTICALLY DEAD. I'm STILL surprised you didn't
|
|
shoot yourself in the eyes. But the Devil DOES exact his dues and the animal
|
|
might have been poisoned. Eat at your own risk. OR STARVE. Let's face it,
|
|
YOU'RE DOOMED.
|
|
🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃🫃
|
|
|
|
<53>
|
|
|
|
WHAT A TERRIBLE SHOT! How could anyone POSSIBLY miss a helpless animal that was
|
|
standing still, 100 FEET WIDE AND 150 YEARS OLD? IT WAS SO FAT IT WOULD MAKE
|
|
100 BLUE WHALES OBESE!
|
|
|
|
I hope you starve, you murderous beast, and it looks like you're going to,
|
|
after WASTING ALL THOSE BULLETS and MISSING FISH OUT OF WATER. You'd better
|
|
buy some food NOW.
|
|
|
|
<54>
|
|
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋
|
|
😈Severe illness. You must see Doctor Beelzebub. Assuming he's 😈
|
|
😈not too busy trying to tempt your daughters. Don't worry though!😈
|
|
😈I don't think he'll succeed. I haven't yet either and I'VE BEEN 😈
|
|
😈TRYING FOR YEARS! THEY ARE INCORRIGIBLE MUMPSIMUSES!! No. I 😈
|
|
😈don't think he's possessed me. I'm just like that. But we can 😈
|
|
😈test it. What do you think about performing an exorcism on me? 😈
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
😈Actually...no. I take that back. Let me perform one on YOU to 😈
|
|
😈make sure it works. I'm pretty sure they don't but better to do 😈
|
|
😈it on a Devil worshipper than someone who's unhinged from 😈
|
|
😈watching you. Safer that way. 😈
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋
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<55>
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If we are what we eat then doesn't that mean we're all cannibals?
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<56>
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🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇
|
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🤯 Riders ahead. They don't look hostile. 🤯
|
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🏇🔫🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫🏇
|
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🤯🔫Oh! I know what to do! You should TOTALLY ROB THEM BLIND!! They won't 🔫🤯
|
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🏇🔫know what hit them and it's not like they need their belongings, not 🔫🏇
|
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🤯🔫where they are going, and you're going to need them soon, with your 🔫🤯
|
|
🏇🔫reckless behaviour. 🔫🏇
|
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🤯🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫 🔫🤯
|
|
🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇🤯🏇
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<57>
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<58>
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<59>
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<60>
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<61>
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💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉
|
|
💉You scared them off with your ERRATIC shooting. NEARLY BLEW MY HEAD OFF TOO.💉
|
|
💉GREAT JOB. 💉
|
|
💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉💉
|
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<62>
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🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🩸
|
|
🩸💩WORST SHOT EVER! You got💩🩸
|
|
🩸💩knifed 🔪 by the dung! 💩🩸
|
|
🩸💩How did you miss the 💩🩸
|
|
🩸💩TRIGGER? 💩🩸
|
|
🩸🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🔪💩🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
Be honest. IT'S YOUR OWN STUPID FAULT FOR TRYING TO ATTACK FRIENDLY PEOPLE!
|
|
Seriously, what the hell kind of person does that? I'm glad the dung 💩 knifed
|
|
🔪 you. And remember that if the wound becomes infected with bacteria IT'S YOUR
|
|
OWN BLOODY FAULT.
|
|
|
|
Better have Doctor Beelzebub check it out, assuming he wasn't shot and treats
|
|
MONSTERS. I hope he was shot!
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<63>
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You have to see Doctor Beelzebub!
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<64>
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<65>
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<66>
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🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇🏇
|
|
Riders were friendly, but check for possible
|
|
losses anyway. It's always the friendly ones
|
|
who do something bad!! They're OBVIOUSLY hiding
|
|
something!
|
|
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️
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<67>
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<68>
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🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛
|
|
🐺I JUST HATE VAMPIRES! Don't you? If they had it their way THERE WOULD BE NO 🐺
|
|
🥄SUN! Can you imagine how HORRIBLE that would be?! 🥄
|
|
🧛 🧛
|
|
🐺Wait. You mean to tell me...you want ETERNAL Sun and NO Moon?! Only ONE 🐺
|
|
🥄reason for that! You MUST be a...WEREWOLF! I KNEW IT! Better watch your 🥄
|
|
🧛heart. If you have one. Your daughters have SILVER SPOONS and they're FED UP🧛
|
|
🐺WITH YOUR BARKING BEHAVIOUR!! 🐺
|
|
🥄 🥄
|
|
🧛On the other blade...IT IS VERY HOT don't you think? Almost as if it's 🧛
|
|
🐺foreshadowing what's to come! MAYBE WE SHOULD GET RID OF FIRE TOO! I mean 🐺
|
|
🥄you're in extreme danger of that too! THEN WE CAN DROWN you so you can BURN 🥄
|
|
🧛IN HELL!!! And if that doesn't work, we can behead you with the SPOONS!! 🧛
|
|
🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺
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<69>
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🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺
|
|
🥄Suddenly...the hairs on your neck stand up. ARE YOU ACTUALLY A 🥄
|
|
🐺WEREWOLF? You do know that there are silver spoons in your daughters' 🐺
|
|
🥄wagon, right? 🥄
|
|
🐺 🐺
|
|
🥄Better run for your life or howl to scare them off before it's too 🥄
|
|
🐺late, because they told me that they HATE wolves, are SICK OF your 🐺
|
|
🥄BARKING BEHAVIOUR and THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR DEVIL WORSHIPPING!! 🥄
|
|
🐺 🐺
|
|
🥄Oh and yes. Spoons CAN stab you in the heart. If you don't believe 🥄
|
|
🐺 me...try it. Assuming you have a heart in the first place... 🐺
|
|
🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄
|
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|
<70>
|
|
|
|
You ran out of bullets and got massacred by the riders.
|
|
|
|
How I do not know, seeing as how they were friendly. Oh
|
|
I remember now. It's because you actually decided to
|
|
cowardly try and rob them blind.
|
|
|
|
<71>
|
|
|
|
____
|
|
____( )____
|
|
/ o \
|
|
(FLAT 🫓 OXEN 🐂)
|
|
\____ ____o_/
|
|
| |
|
|
Flat oxen--slows you down.
|
|
|
|
And don't try telling me you didn't have an
|
|
ox because that would also be a flat ox!
|
|
|
|
<72>
|
|
|
|
🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄
|
|
🦄About 100 feet from here YOU SWEAR you see an ox stuck in 🦄
|
|
🦄a hole. THANK THE DEVIL IT'S NOT A DONKEY! You KNOW what 🦄
|
|
🦄that would make!! There are enough here already! NO! Don't 🦄
|
|
🦄look at me! I DON'T MEAN THAT, YOU LITTLE JERK!! 🦄
|
|
🦄 🦄
|
|
🦄But of course YOU'RE WRONG AS USUAL. IT'S NOT AN OX. You 🦄
|
|
🦄NEED a pair of VERY POWERFUL glasses my friend. Might also 🦄
|
|
🦄want to avoid that funny fungi...could be related...somehow.🦄
|
|
🦄But really get some eyeglasses! 🦄
|
|
🦄 🦄
|
|
🦄 IT'S OBVIOUS YOU SEE A UNICORN!!!! 🦄
|
|
🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄
|
|
|
|
<73>
|
|
|
|
Bad luck--you got gangrene in one of your limbs and you had to chop it off. Or
|
|
maybe it was good luck? FREE FOOD TONIGHT!!! 🍖
|
|
|
|
<74>
|
|
|
|
Oh dear. That isn't the Barghest AGAIN is it? Better watch your back! And
|
|
front. And above you. Actually, YOU'RE DOOMED and you know it. Your fate was
|
|
sealed upon signing the Devil's book. Honestly, what were you thinking? You HAD
|
|
to have known it always comes with a cost. And you and I BOTH KNOW that the
|
|
women were warning you - but you just HAD to have your way, didn't you?
|
|
|
|
Well the Oregon Trail is out to get you in every direction and the odds are you
|
|
won't make it out alive. You might be in good company there, AND YOU AT LEAST
|
|
GET TO SEE DINOSAURS ALIVE (LUCKY YOU!!) BUT THERE'S NO AIR CONDITIONING and I
|
|
heard it gets REALLY HOT down there. Then again, I also heard there's no heater
|
|
in Heaven... Yup, either way YOU'RE DOOMED AND YOU KNOW IT! But don't feel too
|
|
bad. At least you won't FREEZE TO DEATH. You might here though... Yup, FREEZE
|
|
TO DEATH HERE and then BURN TO DEATH THERE!
|
|
|
|
<75>
|
|
|
|
🍖🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🍖
|
|
🍖Your son gets lost and FREEZES TO DEATH! 🍖
|
|
🍖 🍖
|
|
🍖But on the bright side, you now have one fewer person to feed and not only 🍖
|
|
🍖that you get a FREE MEAL TONIGHT!!! Not that you've been starving yourself 🍖
|
|
🍖deliberately. You're a glutton and you know it. But hey, now you have FRESH 🍖
|
|
🍖MEAT ON THE BONE!! Why not START A FEAST? You did remember your pots and 🍖
|
|
🍖deadpans, right? IF NOT I HOPE YOU STARVE TO DEATH. OH AND YOU BETTER SHARE 🍖
|
|
🍖THIS TIME! 🍖
|
|
🍖🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🍖
|
|
|
|
<76>
|
|
|
|
💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦
|
|
🚽OH HELL! That water tasted REALLY funny! No. Sorry. NOT Hell. There is no 🚽
|
|
💩water in Hell! Well, wherever you are, it appears you drank unpotable water 💩
|
|
💦and it's too late now. 💦
|
|
🚽 🚽
|
|
💩Next time LOOK AT WHAT 💩 you intend 💦 on swallowing BEFORE YOU SHOVE IT 💩
|
|
💦DOWN YOUR THROAT, because you now have dysentery. 💦
|
|
🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽💩💦🚽
|
|
|
|
<77>
|
|
|
|
Heavy rains---time and supplies lost.
|
|
|
|
But seriously, you brought these
|
|
supposed brollies?
|
|
🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂🌂
|
|
|
|
You SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT THESE:
|
|
☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️☔️
|
|
AND THESE HATS!!
|
|
🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢🧢
|
|
|
|
<78>
|
|
|
|
👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑
|
|
🏴THE QUEEN ANNE'S REVENGE ATTACKS! 🏴
|
|
☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️⚓️🚢👑🏴☠️
|
|
|
|
YES. You're right. That WAS Blackbeard's ship! Yes EDWARD TEACH IS ON THE
|
|
OREGON TRAIL! NO, YOU'RE NOT HALLUCINATING. Neither am I. Didn't you know he
|
|
also signed the Devil's book? Oh well, now you've been taught. Still, a ghost
|
|
is a ghost...THIS SHOULD BE EASY!!
|
|
|
|
But face it. After all you've done, you DESERVE THIS AND YOU KNOW IT! I HOPE HE
|
|
ROBS YOU BLIND and if you die in the process you know it's your fault. Your
|
|
time is coming and the Devil is calling you, laddie.
|
|
|
|
<79>
|
|
|
|
🦵🩸❌💰
|
|
BLACKBEARD DIED OVER A CENTURY AGO AND HE STILL GOT YOU!
|
|
|
|
Yes SOMEHOW you got shot in the leg and robbed by a GHOST.
|
|
|
|
GREAT JOB!
|
|
|
|
<80>
|
|
|
|
|
|
🦵🩸 ❌🐂
|
|
|
|
|
|
You got shot in the leg and they took one of your oxen, whether
|
|
or not you have any oxen left. Not that that matters much;
|
|
you're more than capable of stealing one, assuming you don't
|
|
sacrifice it to the gods. The Devil. I meant the Devil.
|
|
|
|
<81>
|
|
|
|
WELL DONE, LAD!!!
|
|
|
|
Somehow, you scared the pirates off! Unfortunately you also managed to steal
|
|
food and miscellaneous supplies from the pirates as they fled, though I
|
|
honestly haven't a bloody clue how you did that. I do hope you get food
|
|
poisoning so you can finally meet the Devil like Blackbeard was SUPPOSED to
|
|
have. But aren't historians so awful, lying about Blackbeard? YOU'RE NEXT,
|
|
LAD!
|
|
|
|
<82>
|
|
|
|
__________
|
|
/ \
|
|
| 🔥🔥🔥 |
|
|
|___🔥🔥🔥___|
|
|
O O
|
|
|
|
There was a fire in your wagon. Too bad only food and supplies were lost! You
|
|
know you deserve worse, right?
|
|
|
|
<83>
|
|
|
|
Lost your way in heavy fog but somehow you did not lose much time, due to the
|
|
STRANGE MAP in the LAST BOOK you read.
|
|
|
|
You know which book I mean. Sure. IT IS a FASCINATING READ! But you do know
|
|
it's going to cost you though, right?
|
|
|
|
<84>
|
|
|
|
🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉
|
|
🐉 A dragon eats you! 🐉
|
|
🐉 🐉
|
|
🐉No, I know what you're probably thinking. I would TOO! Who wants to be eaten 🐉
|
|
🐉by a dragon? But THIS TIME IT WAS NOT any of the grass you understandably 🐉
|
|
🐉ate when you were ravenous. 🐉
|
|
🐉 🐉
|
|
🐉No. I'm afraid not. The Earth is flat, dragons are real and the Sun is 🐉
|
|
🐉crazy. Oh and yes the Devil is also real. But you ALREADY knew that didn't 🐉
|
|
🐉you? Welcome to the harshness of the Oregon Trail. Or was it the Devil's 🐉
|
|
🐉bedchamber? Oh well, you're dead now so no sense brooding over what seems 🐉
|
|
🐉like Hell. Why not go to the REAL Hell instead? OH HELL, WHY NOT make it the 🐉
|
|
🐉Devil's bedchamber? Be faithful. FOR ONCE. HELL, YOU MIGHT EVEN ENJOY IT! 🐉
|
|
🐉No, not Hell. Okay...actually...yeah, Hell too. 🐉
|
|
🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉🐉
|
|
|
|
<85>
|
|
|
|
🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍
|
|
|
|
You die of a snakebite because you stupidly didn't bring any
|
|
antivenin. Oh wait. I forgot. They haven't invented it yet
|
|
and nobody wants to suck the venom out of you. I'm actually
|
|
surprised they haven't abandoned you entirely. Oh well, now
|
|
they don't need to, although they might not be wise to have
|
|
the fresh off the bone meat.
|
|
|
|
🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍
|
|
|
|
<86>
|
|
|
|
❌❌❌
|
|
❌🐂❌
|
|
❌❌❌
|
|
|
|
Wagon train got swamped fording river; lost food, clothes and an ox got stuck,
|
|
whether or not you spared no expense on oxen. Alas, you couldn't save him.
|
|
|
|
WAIT. You didn't Swim in the Molasses River AGAIN, did you? HOW MANY TIMES DO I
|
|
HAVE TO REMIND YOU THAT THIS IS A VERY BAD IDEA? If only you thought to bring a
|
|
portable oven so you could AT LEAST bake molasses cookies 🍪! But you didn't.
|
|
I hope you starve. Then you'll be able to cook all the cookies in the world.
|
|
HELL. I MEANT IN HELL.
|
|
|
|
<87>
|
|
|
|
Wild dragons attack! And you actually thought you could shoot
|
|
them? Everyone knows dragons have armoured scales. I mean what
|
|
was the point? You should have brought yourself a pair of wings
|
|
so you could fly straight into the fire, so that you would've
|
|
gone out in STYLE and with an amazing legacy!
|
|
|
|
And no, I'm afraid you weren't hallucinating. The Earth IS flat,
|
|
dragons ARE real and the Sun IS crazy. Oh and the Devil is real
|
|
too. But you already knew that, didn't you, you filthy sinner?
|
|
|
|
<88>
|
|
|
|
Unfortunately, bullets won't help you with dragons; I'm surprised
|
|
you didn't know that. Anyone knows dragons have armoured scales.
|
|
Unfortunately for you they took a few oxen and upturned your wagon
|
|
train, causing you further delays.
|
|
|
|
Just be thankful you're still alive because this time you were walking
|
|
on dragon eggshells. No. If you did that you'd be dead. I meant walking
|
|
a thin line.
|
|
|
|
<89>
|
|
|
|
GREAT SHOOTING---they didn't get anything but you killed
|
|
one of your oxen and somehow you managed to upturn your wagon.
|
|
|
|
<90>
|
|
|
|
Really? You tried to shoot a dragon? Well that was pointless. They ate one
|
|
of your oxen and upturned your wagon train, causing further delays.
|
|
|
|
<91>
|
|
|
|
😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈
|
|
👶 ( SON'S VOICE ) 👶
|
|
😈How you feeling about eating me? Eating your own son, and you're sick, too. 😈
|
|
👶 👶
|
|
😈 Probably food poisoning. GOOD. SERVES YOU RIGHT. Time to die. 😈
|
|
👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶
|
|
|
|
<92>
|
|
|
|
🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶
|
|
🥶You freeze to death.🥶
|
|
🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶
|
|
👙🩳🩲👗
|
|
And with your choice in clothing, ARE YOU REALLY SURPRISED? I mean SERIOUSLY
|
|
mate, shorts, briefs, A DRESS AND A BIKINI on the Oregon Trail? What the hell
|
|
were you thinking? You're not in Hell, you're on the Oregon Trail!
|
|
|
|
Although...now I think on it, perhaps Hell WILL suit you better? I hear the
|
|
Summers are GREAT there! Winter is as cold as Hell though. No. Not Hell. Hell
|
|
does not get cold! You're going to BURN, BURN, BURN!!!!
|
|
|
|
<93>
|
|
|
|
😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈
|
|
🏥Doctor's bill is $666! HE MUST BE POSSESSED BY BEELZEBUB! SURELY 🏥
|
|
😈ONLY THE DEVIL would do this. It's not like you've ever killed a 😈
|
|
🏥helpless animal or human, never robbed anyone, never ate human 🏥
|
|
😈flesh or done any other heinous thing, never sinned ... 😈
|
|
🏥 🏥
|
|
😈NO. STOP LYING! YOU signed the Devil's book! You should have 😈
|
|
🏥listened to your Reverend Samuel Parris way back in 1692. All 🏥
|
|
😈these wild, strange and bad happenings, since you began your 😈
|
|
🏥journey are ALL YOUR fault, EVEN YOUR DAUGHTERS' WILD DANCING BY 🏥
|
|
😈THE MOONLIT NIGHT FIRES AS IF POSSESSED! Not that I'm going to 😈
|
|
🏥complain about THAT...Hell, THEY ASKED ME TO JOIN THEM! 🏥
|
|
😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈
|
|
|
|
<94>
|
|
|
|
🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂
|
|
☔️Hail storm--YOU WERE HIT ON THE HEAD and supplies were damaged. But did you ☔️
|
|
🧢REALLY think this CLOSED BROLLY 🌂 was going to help you against HAIL? Even 🧢
|
|
🌂this one ☔️ PROBABLY wouldn't do much good. YOU SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT A 🌂
|
|
☔️HAT 🧢!! ☔️
|
|
🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢🌂☔️🧢
|
|
|
|
<95>
|
|
|
|
Helpful Indians show you where to find more food. Pizza, hamburgers,
|
|
chips/fries and other greasy, fatty foods ...
|
|
🍕🍔🍟🥪🌯🌮🌭
|
|
Okay so IT'S ONLY A HEART ATTACK ON A PLATE but at least you'll survive another
|
|
day...if you don't have a heart attack first, that is... Better have your
|
|
Doctor Beelzebub check you out. If he's still alive. Oh no.
|
|
|
|
You didn't eat him when you were starving last time, did you? If so I hope you
|
|
DO have a heart attack!
|
|
|
|
<96>
|
|
|
|
|
|
🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶
|
|
🧶 Rugged mountains.🧶
|
|
🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶🧶
|
|
|
|
<97>
|
|
|
|
You got lost, losing valuable time asking the Devil 😈 for directions to the
|
|
CROSSROADS ❌☦️ ⚠️ 🚸.
|
|
|
|
But honestly, HOW DID you get lost? It's practically a TRAFFIC JAM OUT HERE AND
|
|
ONLY A COMPLETE MORON COULD LOSE THEIR WAY.
|
|
|
|
HISTORIANS WILL BE TALKING ABOUT THIS YEARS DOWN THE TRAIL! OH NO. WHAT DID YOU
|
|
DO THIS TIME? You did do something didn't you? I KNOW you did! You ALWAYS do
|
|
something stupid!
|
|
|
|
<98>
|
|
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈
|
|
😈Severe illness. You must see Doctor Beelzebub. Assuming he's not too busy 😈
|
|
😈trying to tempt your daughters. Don't worry though! I don't think he'll 😈
|
|
😈succeed. I haven't yet either and I'VE BEEN TRYING FOR YEARS! THEY ARE BLOODY 😈
|
|
😈INCORRIGIBLE MUMPSIMUSES!! No. I don't think he's possessed me. I'm just 😈
|
|
😈like that. But we can test it. What do you think about performing an exorcism 😈
|
|
😈on me? 😈
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
😈Actually...no. I take that back. Let me perform one on YOU to make sure it 😈
|
|
😈works. I'm pretty sure they don't but better to do it on a Devil worshipper 😈
|
|
😈than someone who's unhinged from watching you. Safer that way. 😈
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈
|
|
|
|
<99>
|
|
|
|
You ran out of medical supplies and unfortunately the Devil's in Heaven on
|
|
holiday / business and can't help you restock.
|
|
|
|
But honestly, who goes on a 2170 MILES journey WITHOUT bringing medical
|
|
supplies? You brought this on to yourself and you deserve it. But at least I
|
|
just heard that the Devil is on his way home to greet you and thank god for
|
|
that! Send me a postcard, will you? I want to make sure it works out well for
|
|
you down there.
|
|
|
|
<100>
|
|
%ld
|
|
<101>
|
|
|
|
Wagon train damaged! Lost time resupplying from the Devil.
|
|
|
|
<102>
|
|
|
|
Suddenly your clocks stop...
|
|
|
|
I guess it must have happened AGAIN! And WHY THE DEVIL DO YOU
|
|
KEEP SWIMMING IN THE MOLASSES RIVER?! Honestly, you'll be lucky
|
|
if you don't SINK IN IT before it sinks into your
|
|
stick-in-the-molasses head.
|
|
|
|
<103>
|
|
|
|
⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️⛰️
|
|
|
|
You made it safely through South
|
|
Pass--no snow. Clearly the Devil
|
|
has your back. For now my dear
|
|
fiend, for now...
|
|
|
|
He might be plotting against you.
|
|
Oh hell. I KNOW HE IS. HE TOLD ME
|
|
HE IS. Your time is coming AND THE
|
|
DEVIL AND I BOTH CANNOT WAIT!
|
|
Neither can your daughters. They
|
|
told me last night in the wagon.
|
|
|
|
<104>
|
|
|
|
🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️
|
|
🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️
|
|
|
|
Blizzard in mountain pass--time wasted asking Devil for help restocking.
|
|
|
|
Unfortunately, the unfaithful monster only gives you ONE MEASLY BULLET. Like
|
|
that's going to help his most faithful lieutenant? Oh but are you faithful?
|
|
|
|
Perhaps you should have used a mountain cable car 🚠, rather than relying on
|
|
the Devil! It's pretty funny you didn't know he was unfaithful and yet expects
|
|
complete loyalty. Or else. HE'S COMING.
|
|
|
|
<105>
|
|
|
|
🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
|
|
🪦 All you had was mouldy bread,🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 Therefore here you must lie. 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 Because now you're dead. 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 GOODBYE! 🪦
|
|
🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
|
|
|
|
<106>
|
|
|
|
How does a turtle tell his friend to move aside? Scute over!
|
|
|
|
<107>
|
|
|
|
You ran out of medical supplies and unfortunately the Devil's in
|
|
Heaven on holiday / business and can't help you restock.
|
|
|
|
But honestly, who goes on a 2170 miles journey WITHOUT bringing
|
|
medical supplies? You brought this on to yourself and you deserve it.
|
|
But at least I just heard that the Devil is on his way home to greet
|
|
you and thank god for that! Send me a postcard, will you? I want to
|
|
make sure it works out well for you down there.
|
|
|
|
<108>
|
|
|
|
If your printer is working you're VERY OBVIOUSLY not using it right. And if you
|
|
do not understand this may your good fortune last my dear friend. You'll need it.
|
|
|
|
<109>
|
|
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸 YOU HAVE DIED OF INJURIES! 🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸
|
|
|
|
Better than diarrhoea though,
|
|
right?
|
|
|
|
Frankly, it serves you right.
|
|
If you hadn't wasted all that
|
|
time and money sinning you
|
|
MIGHT have made it. But I guess
|
|
there's no real difference;
|
|
after all, none of us really
|
|
make it out alive, do we? Well
|
|
off you go then! HEAVEN AWAITS!!
|
|
Or does it?
|
|
|
|
<110>
|
|
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
|
|
You have died of dysentery.
|
|
|
|
CONGRATULATIONS ON REACHING
|
|
LEGENDARY STATUS!
|
|
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽
|
|
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
|
|
|
|
<111>
|
|
|
|
If you lost your sense of irony then try looking in a blue tissue box.
|
|
|
|
<112>
|
|
|
|
I MAY be delusional but at least I have a VIVID imagination!
|
|
|
|
<113>
|
|
|
|
%f
|
|
<114>
|
|
|
|
You FINALLY arrived at Oregon City after 2170 long miles!
|
|
|
|
TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH. Probably all your sinful detours I've heard so much about but you'd think
|
|
that the Devil would have helped you out on that. But I guess as long as you make it to your final
|
|
destination that's what matters, right?
|
|
|
|
Oh, right. Almost forgot! President Jesse James asked me to wish you a prosperous life ahead of
|
|
you...in HELL!
|
|
|
|
<115>
|
|
|
|
Monday
|
|
<116>
|
|
|
|
Tuesday
|
|
<117>
|
|
|
|
Wednesday
|
|
<118>
|
|
|
|
Thursday
|
|
<119>
|
|
|
|
Friday
|
|
<120>
|
|
|
|
Saturday
|
|
<121>
|
|
|
|
Sunday
|
|
<122>
|
|
|
|
1847
|
|
<123>
|
|
|
|
July
|
|
<124>
|
|
|
|
August
|
|
<125>
|
|
|
|
September
|
|
<126>
|
|
|
|
October
|
|
<127>
|
|
|
|
November
|
|
<128>
|
|
|
|
December
|
|
<129>
|
|
|
|
Pie. Need pie.
|
|
|
|
<130>
|
|
|
|
President Jesse James sends you his heartiest congratulations
|
|
and wishes you a prosperous life ahead at your new home in HELL!
|
|
|
|
<131>
|
|
|
|
What does a tomato do when it sees an old friend? It ketches up with it.
|
|
|
|
<132>
|
|
|
|
The only reason the British Museum has only a model of the Pyramid of Giza
|
|
is because the real thing is too big to move.
|
|
|
|
<133>
|
|
|
|
Windows driving you crazy? Buy a scanner and install the included SANE library!
|
|
|
|
<134>
|
|
|
|
Nitrous Oxide: the carbon monoxide for laughing hyenas; they'll literally die from laughter.
|
|
|
|
<135>
|
|
|
|
I can't imagine ever going wireless. Not only am I fully wired, I enjoy it immensely.
|
|
|
|
<136>
|
|
|
|
If you're confused when someone tells you you're wrong to write:
|
|
|
|
void main()
|
|
{
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
please feel free to try the following instead:
|
|
|
|
void brain()
|
|
{
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
because that is perfectly valid C.
|
|
|
|
Sorry for the inconvenience and thanks for your understanding,
|
|
|
|
-- Neurosurgery Department of C, AT&T Bell Labs.
|
|
|
|
<137>
|
|
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈
|
|
😈 Severe illness. You must see Doctor 😈
|
|
😈 Beelzebub. Assuming he's not too busy 😈
|
|
😈 trying to tempt your daughters. Don't 😈
|
|
😈 worry though! I don't think he'll 😈
|
|
😈 succeed. I haven't yet either and I'VE 😈
|
|
😈 BEEN TRYING FOR YEARS! THEY ARE 😈
|
|
😈 INCORRIGIBLE MUMPSIMUSES!! No. I don't 😈
|
|
😈 think he's possessed me. I'm just like 😈
|
|
😈 that. But we can test it. What do you 😈
|
|
😈 think about performing an exorcism on 😈
|
|
😈 me? 😈
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
😈 Actually...no. I take that back. Let me 😈
|
|
😈 perform one on YOU to make sure it works.😈
|
|
😈 I'm pretty sure they don't but better 😈
|
|
😈 to do it on a Devil worshipper than 😈
|
|
😈 someone who's unhinged from watching you.😈
|
|
😈 Safer that way. 😈
|
|
😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈💋😈
|
|
|
|
<138>
|
|
|
|
💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈
|
|
😈 Mild illness. Medicine used. Not sure why though. 💊
|
|
💊 IT WAS ONLY A SNIFFLE. Probably just the Devil 😈
|
|
😈 TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM YOUR CURSED NOSTRILS. In 💊
|
|
💊 the future THEY BLESS PEOPLE FOR SNEEZING. You 😈
|
|
😈 can die happy knowing you started a thing. Even 💊
|
|
💊 if your death will bring you EVERLASTING TORMENT. 😈
|
|
😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊😈💊
|
|
|
|
<139>
|
|
|
|
The Tale of Two Gates: Bill Gates puts holes in your
|
|
windows; Josh Gates puts holes in the ground. And your
|
|
grave.
|
|
|
|
The end.
|
|
|
|
<140>
|
|
|
|
Fun fact about blindness:
|
|
|
|
<141>
|
|
|
|
🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
|
|
🪦 / \ 🪦
|
|
🪦 / A \ 🪦
|
|
🪦 |TORMENTED| 🪦
|
|
🪦 | PIONEER | 🪦
|
|
🪦 | R.I.P. | 🪦
|
|
🪦 |_________| 🪦
|
|
🪦 GAME OVER 🪦
|
|
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
|
|
🔥Unfortunately, due to what can only be an 🔥
|
|
🔥ADMINISTRATIVE FOUL-UP, you end up somewhere 🔥
|
|
🔥you did not expect as your forever home. But 🔥
|
|
🔥honestly, after signing the Devil's book, DO 🔥
|
|
🔥YOU REALLY BELIEVE YOU DON'T BELONG HERE? Be 🔥
|
|
🔥honest. For once. You know you belong here. 🔥
|
|
🔥Oh, by the way, god asked me to wish you a 🔥
|
|
🔥PROSPEROUS LIFE ahead... 🔥
|
|
🔥 🔥
|
|
🔥 😈😈😈 WELCOME TO HELL!! 😈😈😈 🔥
|
|
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
|
|
|
|
<142>
|
|
|
|
___🔥🔥🔥___
|
|
/ 🔥🔥🔥 \
|
|
|🔥 WAGON 🔥
|
|
🔥🔥🔥 |___🔥🔥🔥___🔥🔥🔥
|
|
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥O 🔥🔥🔥 O🔥🔥
|
|
🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
|
|
🪦 A fire breaks out in your 🪦
|
|
🪦 wagon, and the wind quickly🪦
|
|
🪦 fans the flames, CAUSING 🪦
|
|
🪦 YOUR AMMO TO BLOW UP, 🪦
|
|
🪦 killing you! Somehow 🪦
|
|
🪦 everyone else survived... 🪦
|
|
🪦 🪦
|
|
🪦 Frankly, IT WAS ABOUT TIME.🪦
|
|
🪦 I mean WHAT KIND OF IDIOT 🪦
|
|
🪦 overloads their wagon with 🪦
|
|
🪦 WEAPONS? 🪦
|
|
🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦
|
|
|
|
<143>
|
|
|
|
.''.
|
|
:_\/_:
|
|
.:::::.
|
|
':/\:'
|
|
'..'
|
|
/ \
|
|
|Heaven|
|
|
|Awaits|
|
|
| You! |
|
|
'------'
|
|
|
|
<144>
|
|
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
/ \
|
|
/ A \
|
|
|TORMENTED|
|
|
| PIONEER |
|
|
| R.I.P. |
|
|
|_________|
|
|
GAME OVER
|
|
Here you lie dead,
|
|
You tried to outrun a runaway bed.
|
|
But you slipped and hit your head,
|
|
and now you body's forever in an underground bed!
|
|
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
|
|
<145>
|
|
|
|
🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
🐂 The only food you have left is an ox! 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 As you have no choice left, you promptly 🐂
|
|
🐂 kill it before it runs away, and it sure 🐂
|
|
🐂 was DELICIOUS!!! 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 ( OX'S VOICE ) 🐂
|
|
🐂 You're a sick, sick individual. You do 🐂
|
|
🐂 know that, right? First you BURDEN ME 🐂
|
|
🐂 WITH ALL YOUR RUBBISH and THEN YOU EAT ME?🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 I hope you remember you were starving me 🐂
|
|
🐂 to death so it's your fault you won't get 🐂
|
|
🐂 much sustenance from MURDERING YOUR 🐂
|
|
🐂 FAITHFUL SLAVE ANIMAL!!! Not that I had a 🐂
|
|
🐂 choice. 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 And YES, there's a place IN HELL FOR 🐂
|
|
🐂 MONSTERS LIKE YOU, AND YES YOUR TIME IS 🐂
|
|
🐂 FAST APPROACHING, YOU RUDDY UNFAITHFUL 🐂
|
|
🐂 LITTLE GIT. 🐂
|
|
🐂 😈😈😈 HE'S WAITING. 😈😈😈 🐂
|
|
🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃🏃
|
|
🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
|
|
|
|
<146>
|
|
|
|
❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌
|
|
🐂You have run out of oxen and must walk. Better🐂
|
|
❌buy more... IF YOU DIDN'T WASTE MORE MONEY ON ❌
|
|
🐂MORE SINFUL NIGHTS, like your red-headed 🐂
|
|
❌daughters told me last night, ASSUMING THEY ❌
|
|
🐂WEREN'T LYING TO ME. I bet they weren't. You 🐂
|
|
❌just can't help it can you? ❌
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
❌AND YES. A dirty mind IS a TERRIBLE thing to ❌
|
|
🐂waste BUT NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN US!! We're 🐂
|
|
❌JUST FRIENDS and they've been telling me ALL ❌
|
|
🐂ABOUT YOUR RIDICULOUS BEHAVIOUR. OK, it MIGHT 🐂
|
|
❌be in bed but they can't help themselves... ❌
|
|
🐂kind of like you. WHERE do you think they get 🐂
|
|
❌it from? But WE EXPRESS PASSION and YOU ARE AN❌
|
|
🐂EVIL MONSTER!!!!👹 Good luck hauling your 🐂
|
|
❌wagon! WE'RE TAKING A PLANE! ❌
|
|
🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂❌🐂
|
|
|
|
<147>
|
|
|
|
You've lost too many limbs but you can die 🪦
|
|
happy 😊 knowing your family gets more free
|
|
food! 🍖🍖🍖🍖 Sure it's toxic food but it's
|
|
still food...
|
|
|
|
|
|
<148>
|
|
|
|
Food: %4ld Ammo: %4ld Clothing: %4ld
|
|
Oxen: %4ld Supplies: %4ld Money: %4ld
|
|
Health: %4ld Miles: %4ld
|
|
|
|
<149>
|
|
|
|
🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖
|
|
👶 ( SON'S VOICE ) 👶
|
|
🍖 🍖
|
|
👶 How you feeling about eating 👶
|
|
🍖 me? Eating your own son, NO 🍖
|
|
👶 WONDER she was having an affair 👶
|
|
🍖 before her untimely death! It 🍖
|
|
👶 was with YOUR SISTER AND HER 👶
|
|
🍖 HUSBAND. 🍖
|
|
👶 👶
|
|
🍖 OH NO. NO, NO, NO, NO!! Please 🍖
|
|
👶 don't tell me you ate her too. 👶
|
|
🍖 Wait. You didn't feed her to us,🍖
|
|
👶 did you? Ugh, you did, didn't 👶
|
|
🍖 you? You're a sick, sick person.🍖
|
|
👶 👶
|
|
🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖👶🍖
|
|
|
|
<150>
|
|
|
|
😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈
|
|
👶 ( SON'S VOICE ) 👶
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
👶 How you feeling about 👶
|
|
😈 eating me? Eating your 😈
|
|
👶 own son, and you're 👶
|
|
😈 sick, too. 😈
|
|
👶 👶
|
|
😈 Probably food poisoning. 😈
|
|
👶 GOOD. SERVES YOU RIGHT. 👶
|
|
😈 Time to die. 😈
|
|
👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶😈👶
|
|
|
|
<151>
|
|
|
|
🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 ( OX'S VOICE ) 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 Still happy you ate me? How 🐂
|
|
🐂 many more miles do you have 🐂
|
|
🐂 to go? 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂 YOU'RE COOKED and you know 🐂
|
|
🐂 it, you horrible, HORRIBLE 🐂
|
|
🐂 MONSTER. 🐂
|
|
🐂 🐂
|
|
🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
|
|
|
|
<152>
|
|
|
|
Shooting when low on bullets. That's really
|
|
intelligent. NO WONDER you're starving.
|
|
|
|
|
|
<153>
|
|
|
|
You take lots of cash 💰 from the riders 🏇,
|
|
accidentally shooting one as he flees. But
|
|
since you're starving, why don't you MAKE
|
|
PENANCE BY NOT WASTING THE BODY?
|
|
|
|
🍖🥩🍔🥩🍔🍖
|
|
Mm...that was DELICIOUS!!!
|
|
|
|
(🪦👻RIDER'S SOBBING VOICE FROM THE GRAVE👻🪦)
|
|
|
|
You know what you did is wrong, right? We
|
|
were JUST ROBBED YESTERDAY, you rob us today
|
|
AND NOW I'M DEAD 👻!
|
|
|
|
WELL GOOD. I WAS DYING OF DYSENTERY and
|
|
now YOU get to SPREAD THE DISEASE as well.
|
|
|
|
<154>
|
|
|
|
Uh oh. A black cat just jumped out in front of you. Is the Devil calling you? Better
|
|
go have a look before it's too late. Maybe it already is. Your daughters told me
|
|
you're an ailurophobe! Some pretty wild stories I hear. I think it probably is too
|
|
late. Isn't it Friday the 13th?
|
|
|
|
<155>
|
|
|
|
Oh dear. That isn't the Barghest AGAIN is it? Better watch
|
|
your back! And front. And above you. Actually, YOU'RE DOOMED
|
|
and you know it. Your fate was sealed upon signing the Devil's
|
|
book. Honestly, what were you thinking? You HAD to have known it
|
|
always comes with a cost. And you and I BOTH KNOW that the women
|
|
were warning you - but you just HAD to have your way, didn't you?
|
|
|
|
Well the Oregon Trail is out to get you in every direction and
|
|
the odds are you won't make it out alive. You might be in good
|
|
company there, AND YOU AT LEAST GET TO SEE DINOSAURS ALIVE (LUCKY
|
|
YOU!!) BUT THERE'S NO AIR CONDITIONING and I heard it gets REALLY
|
|
HOT down there. Then again, I also heard there's no heater in
|
|
Heaven... Yup, either way YOU'RE DOOMED AND YOU KNOW IT! But don't
|
|
feel too bad. At least you won't FREEZE TO DEATH. You might here
|
|
though... Yup, FREEZE TO DEATH HERE and then BURN TO DEATH THERE!
|
|
|
|
<156>
|
|
|
|
|
|
💦💦💦
|
|
💦🐂💦
|
|
💦💦💦
|
|
|
|
Wagon train gets swamped fording river--lose food, clothes, an ox
|
|
drowns and you get hurt.
|
|
|
|
<157>
|
|
|
|
You have died of exhaustion. I'm SURE
|
|
your victims ARE MOURNING FOR YOUR FAMILY.
|
|
Assuming they're not too busy EATING YOU
|
|
🍕🍔🍟🥪🌯🌮🌭 WITH THEM. I KNOW FOR A
|
|
FACT your daughters LOVE meat and I'm
|
|
sure they're already devouring you!
|
|
Hopefully they'll save some for everyone
|
|
else; it'd be a REAL SHAME if your body
|
|
went to waste...or would it be?
|
|
|
|
<158>
|
|
|
|
...
|
|
|
|
😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈
|
|
🏥Doctor's bill is $666! HE MUST BE POSSESSED 🏥
|
|
😈BY BEELZEBUB! SURELY ONLY THE DEVIL would 😈
|
|
🏥do this. It's not like you've ever killed a 🏥
|
|
😈helpless animal or human, never robbed 😈
|
|
🏥anyone, never ate human flesh or done any 🏥
|
|
😈other heinous thing, never sinned ... 😈
|
|
🏥 🏥
|
|
😈NO. STOP LYING! YOU signed the Devil's book! 😈
|
|
🏥You should have listened to your Reverend 🏥
|
|
😈Samuel Parris way back in 1692. All these 😈
|
|
🏥wild, strange and bad happenings, since you 🏥
|
|
😈began your journey are ALL YOUR fault, EVEN 😈
|
|
🏥YOUR DAUGHTERS' WILD DANCING BY THE NIGHT 🏥
|
|
😈FIRES AS IF POSSESSED! Not that I'm going to 😈
|
|
🏥complain about THAT...Hell, THEY ASKED ME TO 🏥
|
|
😈JOIN THEM! 😈
|
|
🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥😈🏥
|
|
|
|
<159>
|
|
|
|
🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️🌨️
|
|
🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️🏔️
|
|
Blizzard in mountains - you freeze to death.
|
|
|
|
🩳🩲👗👙
|
|
|
|
And with your choice in clothing, ARE YOU
|
|
REALLY SURPRISED? I mean SERIOUSLY mate,
|
|
shorts, briefs, A DRESS AND A BIKINI on the
|
|
Oregon Trail? What the hell were you thinking?
|
|
You're not in Hell, you're on the Oregon Trail!
|
|
|
|
Although...now I think on it...perhaps Hell WILL
|
|
serve you better? I hear the Summers are GREAT
|
|
there! Winters, not so much.
|
|
|
|
At least your family gets fresh meat on the bone,
|
|
assuming they can stomach eating a horrible
|
|
monster.
|
|
|
|
<160>
|
|
|
|
Looks like the Devil has poisoned you. Your lover,
|
|
she is waiting. TIME TO GO MEET HER!
|
|
|
|
<161>
|
|
|
|
🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖
|
|
🦖 A GROUP OF TYRANNOSAURUSES ATTACK! 🦖
|
|
🦖 🦖
|
|
🦖Unfortunately for you, you're in a time 🦖
|
|
🦖LONG BEFORE the brilliant mathematician 🦖
|
|
🦖Ian Malcolm informed us that DINOSAURS 🦖
|
|
🦖FIND A WAY TO KILL HUMANS. You should 🦖
|
|
🦖have thought of that BEFORE you STUPIDLY 🦖
|
|
🦖climbed into that Time Machine to travel 🦖
|
|
🦖back in time to the Oregon Trail, where 🦖
|
|
🦖you could not possibly know so many 🦖
|
|
🦖important things about dinosaurs... 🦖
|
|
🦖 🦖
|
|
🦖ALTHOUGH, now I think on it, that MIGHT 🦖
|
|
🦖not have been EXACTLY how it went... I 🦖
|
|
🦖THINK the correct wording was 'LIFE FINDS 🦖
|
|
🦖A WAY' but that's well over 100 years from🦖
|
|
🦖now and instead of life finding a way the 🦖
|
|
🦖Devil will find a way. To torment you. 🦖
|
|
🦖With more dinosaurs. And dragons. Yes 🦖
|
|
🦖they still exist. Oh and the Earth is 🦖
|
|
🦖flat too... 🦖
|
|
🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖🦖
|
|
|
|
<162>
|
|
|
|
One of the daughters cut her arm and it had to be amputated.
|
|
THANK GOD she is not DOWN IN THE MOUTH AND SHE WANTS TO EAT IT
|
|
BECAUSE YOU ARE SUDDENLY STARVING!!!
|
|
|
|
But OF COURSE you didn't get any. If you weren't eyeing it so
|
|
lustily you would have seen that she seemed to ESPECIALLY ENJOY
|
|
IT, GREEDILY DEVOURING IT AS IF IT WAS HER LAST SUPPER! Wait,
|
|
HAS THE DEVIL POSSESSED HER TOO?! THAT EVIL WITCH!!! 🧙🧙🧙
|
|
|
|
Hang on. YOU'RE JUDGING HER AFTER ALL YOU'VE DONE? CUT THAT OUT
|
|
RIGHT NOW! NO. NO! NO! NO! STOP! I DID NOT MEAN CUT ANOTHER LIMB
|
|
OFF HER! YES I KNOW I got some and you didn't. And yes it was
|
|
DELICIOUS! But she wanted me to remember it before it was all gone,
|
|
not you. Eat your own arm if you must. No. I meant stop accusing
|
|
her of witchcraft. YOU signed the Devil's book, NOT HER and it
|
|
WAS her body! This is ALL YOUR FAULT, JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE
|
|
that's happened since that fateful night!
|
|
|
|
<163>
|
|
|
|
🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
|
|
🐂 An ox looks at you funny so you eat 🐂
|
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🐂 him! 🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 You're a sick, sick individual. You do 🐂
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🐂 know that, right? FIRST you BURDEN HIM 🐂
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🐂 WITH ALL YOUR RUBBISH and THEN YOU EAT 🐂
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🐂 HIM BECAUSE OF A FUNNY LOOK? And YOU 🐂
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🐂 DIDN'T EVEN SHARE HIM WITH YOUR FAMILY!🐂
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🐂 🐂
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🐂 What next, will you eat your daughter 🐂
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🐂 too? No! NO! NO NO NO NO! I SHOULD NOT 🐂
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🐂 HAVE SAID THAT! NO! DON'T EVEN THINK 🐂
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🐂 ABOUT TOUCHING HER! BACK OFF!! 🐂
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🐂 SHE'S MINE!!! 🐂
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🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂🐂
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<164>
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👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻 👻
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👻 A little ghost floats by 👻
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👻 and shouts: 👻
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👻 👻
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👻 BOO!!!! 👻
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👻 👻
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👻 Okay that was NOT funny, 👻
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👻 Casper! Go back to your 👻
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👻 shallow grave, you LITTLE 👻
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👻 JERK! 👻
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👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻👻 👻
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<165>
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🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺
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🥄Suddenly...the hairs on your neck stand up. 🥄
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🐺ARE YOU ACTUALLY A WEREWOLF? You do know that 🐺
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🥄there are silver spoons in your daughters' 🥄
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🐺wagon, right? 🐺
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🥄 🥄
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🐺Better run for your life or howl to scare 🐺
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🥄them off before it's too late, because 🥄
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🐺they told me that they HATE wolves and 🐺
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🥄THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR DEVIL WORSHIPPING!!🥄
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🐺 🐺
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🥄Oh and yes. Spoons CAN stab you in the heart. 🥄
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🐺If you don't believe me...try it. Assuming 🐺
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🥄you have a heart in the first place... 🥄
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🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺🥄🐺
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<166>
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🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛
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🐺 I JUST HATE VAMPIRES! Don't you? If they had 🐺
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🥄 it their way THERE WOULD BE NO SUN! Can you 🥄
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🧛 imagine how HORRIBLE that would be?! 🧛
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🐺 🐺
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🥄 Wait. You mean to tell me...you want ETERNAL 🥄
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🧛 Sun and NO Moon?! Only ONE reason for that! 🧛
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🐺 You MUST be a...WEREWOLF! I KNEW IT! Better 🐺
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🥄 watch your heart. If you have one. Your 🥄
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🧛 daughters have SILVER SPOONS and they're FED 🧛
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🐺 UP WITH YOUR ANTICS! 🐺
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🥄 🥄
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🧛 On the other blade...IT IS VERY HOT don't 🧛
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🐺 you think? Almost as if it's foreshadowing 🐺
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🥄 what's to come! MAYBE WE SHOULD GET RID OF 🥄
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🧛 FIRE TOO! I mean you're in extreme danger of 🧛
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🐺 that too! THEN WE CAN DROWN you so you can 🐺
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🥄 BURN IN HELL!!! And if that doesn't work, 🥄
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🧛 we can behead you with the SPOONS!! 🧛
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🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺🥄🧛🐺
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<167>
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🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔
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🍟Uh oh. THERE'S ANOTHER ELF! You must be 🍟
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🍔losing your mind my friend! ELVES DON'T 🍔
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🍟EXIST, unless you ask a German. They can't 🍟
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🍔even count to 11 without claiming there are 🍔
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🍟elves! Neun, zehn, Elf ... I guess I might 🍟
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🍔be losing my mind too! BETTER SHOOT THE ELF 🍔
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🍟BEFORE IT TAKES YOUR DAUGHTERS AWAY AND EATS 🍟
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🍔THEM! You might need them for food later on, 🍔
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🍟you HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MONSTER. They are 🍟
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🍔HEAVENLY WOMEN AND ARE NOT FOR EVIL DEVIL 🍔
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🍟WORSHIPPERS to eat! NO. NOT FOR ME EITHER! 🍟
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🍔STOP GOING THERE YOU SICKO! THEY ARE NOT FOOD 🍔
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🍟AND YOU CANNOT GO TO HEAVEN, YOU DEVIL 🍟
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🍔WORSHIPPING MONSTER! CUT IT OUT. NO! NOT THEM!🍔
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🍟STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!! 🍟
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🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔🍟🍔
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<168>
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🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄
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🦄 About 100 feet from here YOU SWEAR 🦄
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🦄 YOU SEE AN OX STUCK IN A HOLE. THANK 🦄
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🦄 GOD IT'S NOT A DONKEY! You KNOW what 🦄
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🦄 that would make!! There are enough 🦄
|
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🦄 here already! NO! Don't look at me! 🦄
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🦄 I DON'T MEAN THAT, YOU LITTLE JERK!! 🦄
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🦄 🦄
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🦄 But OF COURSE YOU'RE JUST HALLUCINATING🦄
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🦄 anyway. IT'S NOT AN OX. You need to lay🦄
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🦄 off the mushrooms. Actually YOU NEED TO🦄
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🦄 LAY OFF A LOT of things; you've made 🦄
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🦄 that VERY CLEAR WITH YOUR UNHINGED 🦄
|
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🦄 BEHAVIOUR! 🦄
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🦄 🦄
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🦄 IT'S OBVIOUS YOU SEE A UNICORN!!!! 🦄
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🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄🦄
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<169>
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~~~~~~
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/ 🍝🍝🍝 \
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/ 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝 \
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/ 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝 \
|
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| 🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝🍝|
|
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\ ||| ||| /
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\ ||||| /
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\ ||| /
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\__________/
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|| ||
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|| ||
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__||__||__
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WOW!!!! THAT'S A SPAGHETTI TREE!!! I saw them over 100 years from now when I last
|
|
used my Time Machine!! The BBC will cultivate them on April Fool's Day 19579!
|
|
THEY'RE AMAZING!! The Time Machines are okay and kind of interesting. Dangerous
|
|
though...
|
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|
But the spaghetti looks pretty ominous, doesn't it? IT LOOKS LIKE IT WANTS TO REACH
|
|
DOWN AND GRAB YOU! Better be careful. If they strangle you YOU WILL GO TO HELL! On the plus
|
|
side... YOU'LL HAVE THE MOST AMAZING STORY to tell your fellow sinners... Trust me. I've
|
|
been there on holiday! It's PRETTY WILD!! Summers are AMAZINGLY HOT!! Although...GETTING
|
|
EATEN BY A DRAGON OR KILLED BY TYRANNOSAURUSES is an EVEN BETTER STORY! That's MUCH MORE
|
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EXCITING than a SPAGHETTI TREE KILLING YOU!! Although...now I think on it...they're ALSO
|
|
in Hell so maybe it's better if the spaghetti kills you. Want me to strangle you with it if
|
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it doesn't do it? Of course...the trees are there too...LOTS of parties too. And good old
|
|
TORTURE! IT'S AWESOME!
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<170>
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🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣
|
|
🐂 Uh oh. ONE OF THE OXEN JUST KICKED 🐂
|
|
🛁 A BUCKET. Is it going to die next? 🛁
|
|
🪣 Or...is it foreshadowing your own 🪣
|
|
🐂 death? Let's face it. You have it 🐂
|
|
🛁 coming to you. Better throw the ox 🛁
|
|
🪣 out with the bathwater before it's 🪣
|
|
🐂 too late. Oh and don't try telling 🐂
|
|
🛁 me you don't have any oxen left, 🛁
|
|
🪣 if you can even count! It kicked 🪣
|
|
🐂 the bucket SO OF COURSE IT DOESN'T 🐂
|
|
🛁 EXIST!! 🛁
|
|
🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣🐂🛁🪣
|
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<171>
|
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|
😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
|
|
😈 Uh oh! Is that the DEVIL I see in 😈
|
|
😈 your mirror again? Or are YOU looking😈
|
|
😈 at it from behind your dressing 😈
|
|
😈 curtain? 😈
|
|
😈 😈
|
|
😈 BETTER BREAK IT BEFORE IT'S TOO 😈
|
|
😈 LATE!!! Yes, YES, I KNOW IT'S BAD 😈
|
|
😈 LUCK TO BREAK A MIRROR!! But ask 😈
|
|
😈 yourself this: what's worse, seeing 😈
|
|
😈 yourself in the Devil's mirror OR 😈
|
|
😈 simply having bad luck for 7 long 😈
|
|
😈 years? Let's be honest. You're NOT 😈
|
|
😈 going to make it that long anyway! 😈
|
|
😈 Why not just give your mind some 😈
|
|
😈 peace and die in an unknown way? Much😈
|
|
😈 less scarier AND IF YOU DON'T BREAK 😈
|
|
😈 IT I WILL! I don't want to see the 😈
|
|
😈 Devil in your mirror! OH HELL! NOT 😈
|
|
😈 AGAIN! I MEAN I DON'T WANT TO SEE 😈
|
|
😈 YOU IN THE DEVIL'S MIRROR!!! 😈
|
|
😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
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<172>
|
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